The Fish Tube Principle

Last week, Dark Shadows revealed to us a ghost. This week, it will reveal a pen.

It’s the fashionable thing for this show, of course, to drop something as cosmically world-changing as an actual ghost walking out of a painting on daytime television and then spend the next week, or weeks, of episodes not so much as hinting about it, but that’s where we are as we enter the month of October 1966, Dark Shadows’ 15^th week of episodes, and its 8^th in-universe day.

Things seem quite ordinary as we begin, with dear old Roger descending the stairs to check his watch against the old clock in the Collinwood foyer.

This episode will either provide evidence tentatively for or vehemently against that theory, by the way, but you know which side I’ll be taking.

So, Roger, continuing to do the best he can to make sure everybody who encounters him immediately understands he should be jailed for crimes, calls the Sheriff to inquire as to the progress of the mysterious death case that various characters have suggested he was responsible for.

Sheriff Patterson is his genial (“jolly” would be shaming his curves) self.

On a meta-level that certainly applies. Bill Malloy’s name has been said with alarmingly more frequency in the episodes since his disappearance. But I guess that’s not too surprising. He was last on-screen in Episode 46.

This is Episode 71, in case you want to know just how long we’ve been treading water on this.

As noted previously, the next proverbial shoe we’re waiting to drop is the coroner’s verdict, in which the people of Collinsport (and, we, the audience) will finally learn whether Malloy’s death is ruled suicide (thoroughly unlikely), accident (possible, but boring), or murder (the only reason to put an audience through any of this tedium in the first place).

Patterson, it seems, has begun to finally warm up to the possibility of murder, noting to Roger…

In which case, Patterson casually notes, he will certainly have to see Roger again because, well, just look at how he’s spent the last few days.

We’re told Patterson intends to give his paperwork over to the coroner later in the morning, guaranteeing a result at some point on this same in-universe day, so anywhere between Friday’s episode and a month from now, depending on the capriciousness of the writers.

Needless to say, in any other genre, Roger would be packing his bags to flee to that Florida commune he was telling Vicky about. This isn’t any other genre though, it’s whatever Dark Shadows is. And so, instead, Roger’s plan becomes something considerably more elaborate, tenuous, and rife with unintentional comic potential.

See, they’re bantering now. Roger even notes that their “battles” have become a regular household fixture. It even sounds like he’s flirting with her, reminding her of their previous agreement that she call him by his first name.

That decision was the result of Carolyn’s well-intentioned suggestion Roger start treating Vicky like more than a piece of human refuse to repay her for corroborating his alibi to the police. Roger has taken to the plan with gusto, but with his usual transparent ulterior motivations.

Vicky gives Roger the one reference we’ll get to anything that happened last episode this week, telling him how David seems to have sufficiently warmed up to her to introduce her to his “friends”.

I mean, I guess not, since there are no other children in this town, and Liz is apparently so reluctant that her nephew get any kind of ordinary mid-century education that she brought a literal governess to be his live-in tutor.

Roger sweepingly declares that Vicky needs a “change”. And I can see where he’s coming from. Vicky has been starved for any kind of real socialization. Her one attempt to mingle and make friends with the townsfolk ended in a home invasion, and she’s lucky to go a day without every member of the household suggesting she pack her bags and leave.

But the “change” Roger is suggesting has little to do with broadening her friend group and drinking more water.

No, my friends, Roger Collins wants to go on a date with Vicky. Specifically, he wants to take her on a tour of cannery.

He suggests Vicky just drop her lessons with David for the day.

And when Vicky points out she isn’t sure Mrs. Stoddard would approve of this sudden change of plans, Roger assures her he’ll inform her about it from work and…

He comes off as a dashing genteel sweeping her off her feet to show her the sights. Even if “the sights” are little more than the local fish factory. The fact of the matter is, we know Roger is doing this to butter Vicky up so that he can better manipulate her down the line. Art Wallace likewise intends for us to understand this.

But consider…why should Vicky’s interaction with the charming, gallant, unflappable Roger taking her out to breakfast and an excursion be any more sinister than Burke Devlin smugly condescending to her while attempting to swallow a donut? We are supposed to believe that Burke is real in his feelings while Roger is false, but only one of them is behaving like any kind of gentleman here.

Of course, there has always been a toxic undercurrent to the American masculine ideal that fetishizes male rudeness and condescension as being “honest” and “dominating”, whereas manners, formalities and what Kitten calls Unca Roger’s “charm” is seen as fakery and ass-kissing.

Still, Louis Edmonds is selling it. You end up wanting to believe this is nothing more than an older man plying a much younger girl with compliments and giving her a good time. Creepy, sure, but no less creepy than every other weird age gap relationship on this show.

Speaking of uncomfortable older men, let’s see what Burke Devlin is doing.

Regrettably, Burke isn’t about to ask the sheriff on a date. However, like Roger, he is angling to get something out of him: in this case information on the thing we know Patterson has no information about: the coroner’s verdict.

Burke’s attempts to feign sociability are considerably weaker than Roger’s. He asks for a cup of coffee, but Queen Sheriff Cakes is quick to disarm him.

Odd that he’d refer Burke to the restaurant, giving Maggie making bad coffee is a running joke for absolutely no reason. Maybe Patterson’s coffee is just that bad, perhaps brewed from the remains of the forgotten Consteriff.

Burke keeps prying and this is so much like all his other attempts to do the same thing that I’m starting to wonder why Patterson doesn’t live up to his word and throw Burke into a cell for being a nuisance. He did say that’s what he’d do if Burke kept up on this vigilante kick. Though I guess there’s technically nothing illegal about being a nag.

Patterson does capitulate and go to pour coffee, however.

I love him.

We get nothing much out of any of this. Burke makes another suggestion that he believes the coroner’s findings will be controlled by the Collinses local influence, which gets Patterson P.O’d.

This is another of those weird instances where, while accepting that Sheriff Patterson has always been Collinsport sheriff, and there was no sheriff, constable, or strange mutation betwixt, before him, we must still assume that elements of the storyline where there was another Consteriff in town happened differently, because that guy totally was owned by the Collinses, it was perhaps his chief character trait.

Was Patterson likewise cowed? It seems hard to reconcile that with his behavior toward the Collinses in this storyline. Earlier in this very episode, he frankly reminded Roger that, if the coroner rules Malloy was murdered, Roger will certainly be a person of interest.

Maybe it’s best not to think about it too hard.

So, nothing having been done to change anybody’s mind or reveal any new information, Burke takes off in a pique, leaving the Sheriff with his stern warnings to Not Do Anything Stupid which we all know he will disregard anyway.

Anyway, back to Rogtoria’s date. Let’s see what these two kids are talking about.

Just ordinary breakfast conversation. Just the thing you’d like to think about as you digest.

We’re supposed to believe Vicky is asking these questions in preparation for her forthcoming tour of the cannery where she’ll get to see Where the Magic Happens. I wonder if, for Dark Shadows’ pithy audience, this was the first they’d ever thought hard about where their sardines came from. Was Art Wallace providing a vital public service by having decorated theater performer Louis Edmonds tell them about the Fish Tube?

And, on that subject, let’s talk about the Fish Tube Meme.

If you don’t spend a lot of time online, but you’re here, so you do, the Fish Tube is a now somewhat dusty (As in, maybe a year old? I don’t know, time is an illusion and we live in hell) meme about a transport system designed to get fish over a dam.

Basically, the fish is placed into the tube and sent at rocketing speed to the other end, where it is promptly deposited with its brethren.

The absurdity of the clip made it a Twitter sensation, evoking discussions of existentialism. Aren’t we, after all, no better than that fish in the tube? Hapless creatures subject to the whims of higher external forces we cannot ever hope to understand, rocketing through life on a path we cannot possibly hope to comprehend.

What I’m saying is Victoria Winters is like the fish in the fish tube. Think about that, and if you can’t, don’t worry: I will explain it to you later. This is just me giving you a sporting chance.

I should also note that Louis Edmonds totally forgets his line during all this, which makes the nonsense he’s saying even funnier.

Vicky smiles, and I can’t tell if this is Vicky being charmed or Alexandra Moltke trying not to crack up at the idea of “giant vacuum cleaners”. Maybe it was in the script, who knows, they’re already talking about fish tubes.

Is she? Is she really? Call me a cynic, but I can’t help but feel that this woman is being coerced and is simply afraid to say no to this unpredictable man who has several times threatened her in violent and even sexual ways.

But he’s just so cute about it!

We also learn that the Collinses started out as whalers back in Isaac’s day, so maybe all the family’s troubles are down to the ghosts of the whales punishing them for their original sin. That’s a suitably gothic trope.

Because I guess conversation isn’t her strong suit, Vicky brings up the dead dude, which is a total buzzkill and completely ruins the delightsome, easy mood caused by uttering the words “by suction, through a large tube” during mealtime.

Vicky points out Malloy’s death has left a job vacancy at the plant and suggests Roger must be very busy since he’s died. I dunno, it’s been four days and if anything, he’s done less stuff at the plant than he did before. He only ever seems to be at the office so he can talk in a high way about how much work he’s doing to unsuspected idiots.

It’s not her fault she expected something to come out of Malloy’s job. The average viewer would too, but they don’t do much to address the vacancy for a…long time. This is the last attention it gets in dialogue for a while.

Vicky pivots to a more comfortable discussion: how the sardines are caught because if we’re going to hear one gross piece of fish esoterica, we might as well get the whole plate.

Roger isn’t really into the conversation at this point, however, and reminds her that…

Roger’s famous subtlety begins waning here. I’m sure there were more delicate ways he could’ve brought up the coroner’s verdict, maybe some neat way to segue from fish tubes to jurisprudence.

As Roger talks up how he’s sure the verdict will be entirely unremarkable, once the coroner has all the necessary facts (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), You Know Who enters stage left.

Burke’s entry here serves the same purpose as an ex showing up in the middle of a first date.

Oh, and I might as well say something about Susie. Remember her? She’s the second waitress who works when they don’t need Maggie. She’s been gone for a while and, since her last appearance, has gotten a new face. I can’t be sure about this, but I don’t think Susie has much longevity after this recast anyway.

So, yeah, Burke’s entry makes Roger act all weird. He keeps giving these furtive glances Burke’s way and admits to Vicky he forgot what they were talking about.

Even the talk about the sardine planes ends up being tainted by the reminder of Roger’s past.

Vicky even goes “Roger, please don’t!” like to keep him from making a scene in the middle of the Applebees and, after Roger hastily dismisses himself to make a phonecall, Vicky accidentally calls him “Roger” to Burke, before correcting herself in favor of “Mr. Collins.”

He is at perfect height for her to punch him in the Devlins, but sadly our girl is too nice for such tactics.

Vicky attempts to apologize for “the other night” (Susie must be wondering what the fuck this is all about), but Burke is a petty asshole and, of course, doesn’t care that he’s already made Victoria feel wretchedly guilty for telling the nearest thing to the truth she knew.

Burke doesn’t want to talk about it, though, but Vicky is adamant and they arrange to meet up later when Vicky is finished with Roger.

I’d say Art Wallace likely didn’t know what this looked like, but come on, we know he did. It’s all the gay subtext that’s accidental.

So Roger remarks that he has one other stop to make before heading to work and, if you’ve been paying any mind to this episode’s use of characters and sets, you already know what that is.

What you might not expect is more location footage!

So this is the third iteration in the second generation of location footage on Dark Shadows. The first and, so far, only one to be reused, was Roger going to work. The second was the bundle of shots involving Vicky, David, and later Matthew going to and from the Old House last episode.

Here we see Vicky and Roger are on their date. There’s a lot of cool detail here. Note that whale-shaped sign on the building they walk past, maybe an indication that’s the Blue Whale (though later attempts to establish the bar with location footage will have it look considerably different).

The building they head into might almost be a converted library, with its grand front steps and inexplicable two doorways. The plaque says POLICE, though, so I’ll take its word for it.

It is here, at the station, that the true purpose of this breakfast date becomes clear. Not that Roger did a very good job of disguising his intent. Even so.

So Roger makes to Patterson like there might be something else he can provide before the report is ready to send to the coroner but, well…

He then claims that he’s really here to show Vicky what the police station looks like, which is a totally rational and ordinary thing humans do with each other: take tours of police stations and fish factories.

Patterson humors this nonsense only for so long before suggesting he is very busy so maybe Roger should leave and/or drop the bullshit.

Roger covers his mouth with his hand and it looks like he’s trying to hide a little mischievous smirk as he decides to play his last hand.

I think half the reason other actors in scenes with Louis Edmonds are always trying not to smile is that he’s the cast member who can most easily get away with playing their terrible scripts as ridiculous nonsense.

It is absolutely clumsy that Roger brought Vicky here simply so she could confirm his alibi for the night Malloy died, just as she did with him back in Episode 66. It’s even weirder, because it’s unlikely Victoria would’ve resisted this had he told her flat out that’s what he wanted her to do. Vicky is fairly certain (and we have every reason to believe) she was accurate as possible in her assessment, and knows she won’t be perjuring herself to provide what little she knows. But instead we had a whole song and dance with breakfast and the fish tube and Roger having sexual tension with Burke again, and now she’s been dragged to the cops and looks like a deer in the headlights as Roger talks about all this as if it only just occurred to him a minute ago.

And that brings us back to the fish tube.

She is a pawn, used with frequency by others, usually older men, to advance their own agendas. Like the fish in the tube, she has no control over how they use her, no knowledge of their deeper machinations, and often (for various reasons) finds herself unable to resist their efforts to steer her on a course they set out for her.

This lack of agency, as we’ve touched on before, and will touch on oodles more before we’re through, makes her a woefully insufficient protagonist, as well as an odd vessel for the audience. While it makes sense that we experience the world of Collinsport through the eyes of the token outsider, we still see the machinations of Roger, Burke, et al. They aren’t exactly kept secret from us. So instead of emphasizing with Vicky in her plight, the emotion tends to be pity at best…frustration at worst.

So Vicky gives Patterson her statement, which will be included in the coroner’s report. Roger, relieved, sweeps Vicky away, telling her…

Oh, she’s totally going into the fish hose.

Act IV begins with more location footage which is, like some of the Old House location footage, dubbed over by Alex Moltke as she thanks Roger for showing her around because…well, one set for the plant is quite enough for the next couple of hundred episodes and then some, so there.

After Vicky takes her leave, Roger balances himself on a barrel and poses like he knows there’s a camera zooming in on him.

Vicky returns to the restaurant to meet with Burke, as arranged, because she feels a need to explain herself to this asshole for whatever reason.

I like how he’s being grotesque and macabre about the Collins Cannery even as he’s supposedly plotting to acquire it. I say “supposedly” because what the hell he is even doing? His current scheme involves planting a housekeeper at his enemy’s residence as a sleeper agent.

It’s just gross how effectively Burke has turned on Victoria simply for telling the truth.

And he is entirely unwilling to accept the possibility that he’s wrong, so he instead takes it out on her. Our hero.

Is…is he threatening her?

Victoria reminds him of her sole reason to be at Collinwood: her search for her past. You know, that thing he promised to help her with but to this point has done nothing toward. This brings us to some topnotch bullshit writing…

Discounting the very likely possibility Mitch Ryan was fucking his lines up again, this piece of dialogue is just wretched and certainly not as profound as Wallace thinks it is. After all, Vicky hasn’t done anything out of character or morally unsound. She’s done nothing but be stringed along by others. That’s the problem.

 The romantic (???) tension of the moment is interrupted by Patterson, arriving for some not-lousy coffee. He confirms to Burke that the report has been sent to the coroner and it’s now only a matter of time. Patterson likewise tells Vicky to tell Roger that her statement as to his alibi is now part of the report. And Burke behaves as you’d expect.

I’m certainly rooting for these lovebirds, I tell you what.

Burke then offers to take Vicky back to Collinwood and if I were the little governess I’d have more red flags than the Coast Guard. It’s tantamount to accompanying the kidnapper to the second location.

But Vicky, despite knowing that Burke is currently not pleased with her and viewing her as some kind of traitor, nonetheless agrees to accompany him.

Upon their departure, Patterson has some wise words for Susie, as if she gives a shit.

Burke and Roger both neatly fit into this latter category, both consummately making asses of themselves for the sake of their plans, and both consumed with the requisite amount of egotism to ensure they never consider they’re making a mistake.

Burke even provides more fodder for this when, after arriving at Collinwood (and Vicky reminding him that it’s probably not a good idea for him to be here at all), and he chastises Vicky for having the audacity to trust Roger, which…yeah, bad move.

Burke then makes a strange, lopsided offer to Victoria…

So that’s it. Burke is offering Victoria a place in his kingdom, to spare her when he destroys everyone else…so long as she bends the knee.

I wish I could tell you that Vicky scoffs at him, slaps him, spits in his face, or any such kind of defiance, but this is Victoria Winters, so she says nothing, Burke claims the last word and departs the episode.

Hey, you think the fish tube ever gets clogged…?

This Day in History- Monday, October 3, 1966

Tunisia severs diplomatic relations with the United Arab Republic, which was…it was Egypt. They just called Egypt that in the ‘60s. For a time, Syria was part of the Republic with it, but then it left, and it was just Egypt.

 U.S. Representative Charles Weltner of Georgia removes his name from the ballot a month ahead of the election, citing a refusal to support his party’s (Democrat) nominee for the state, Lester Maddox, a segregationist.

The Brazilian Congress selects General Artur de Costa e Silva as the nation’s 23^rd President. During his tenure he would pass laws granting the president power to strip offices from lower politicians, police and repress left-wing parties and individuals, and even dismiss the Congress. All frightening totalitarian things that would never happen in the United States, of course, no sir.

Behind the Scenes Shenanigans

Art Wallace resumes his duties for the entirety of this week of episodes. Francis Swann returns for Episode 76.