He Said, You Said, I Said, Who Said

It’s a time to try to new things. For instance. New fears. I’ve been scrounging up more by the day.

I’m also afraid of run-on sentences, Miss Winters, but that’s besides the point.

We’re drawing near the end of the month-long re-adjustment period between Dark Shadows’s first two major storylines. Arguably, this period ended earlier. Perhaps two whole weeks ago, when Sam first drunkenly told Malloy he was “the only thing standing between Roger Collins and a prison sentence”.

Perhaps it ended last week in Episode 45, when Malloy called a meeting between Burke, Sam and Roger to hash out what really happened ten years ago before Burke’s plans against the Collinses could progress any further.

Perhaps it even ended in these last two episodes, when Malloy failed to turn up for the meeting, and all three of his “guests” began acting very cagily about his never turning up, an irritated Burke going so far as to say “He’s either gone or dead”.

And then Sam, when prompted by Roger, suggesting he knew Malloy wouldn’t be at home when Burke came calling, and then Roger’s completely changed attitude after Malloy’s absence, acting all of a sudden as if he hadn’t a care in the world.

All capped up with the return of David last episode who, with the aid of his new crystal ball, declared that Malloy wasn’t missing…he’s dead. And his father killed him.

It would appear that Dan Curtis has decided how to save the show. After all, nothing like a good mystery to keep viewers turning in.

It’s kind of funny, actually, since soaps are supposed to revolve around suspense as is, but this show’s weak sauce brand of suspense was just so lacking that they decided to indulge in the format most ideal to ensuring you would want to stick around until the end.

We open today’s drama with Maggie Evans, forced to step away from her job to tell her Dad that she isn’t a secretary.

The antsy Sam is wondering if Malloy ever showed up at the diner. Is this a point for (he genuinely doesn’t know where Malloy is) or against (he wants to make it appear he doesn’t know)?

I’ll have plenty of time to talk about the nuances of mystery fiction as we enter this new era, so I’ll go easy on it for now, but there are elements to the soap opera format that both help and harm the unraveling of a mystery.

Over the decades, soaps have told very many mystery stories. As I alluded above, the “what happens next?” factor is inherent in the serial’s appeal. If we want to know whether Nikki is sleeping with Jack behind Victor’s back, it follows we’d also like to see who stuck a knife in Jack’s back.

The obvious “whodunit” soap story isn’t from a daytime soap at all, but from Dallas, the primetime powerhouse that, along with Dynasty (and, I guess, Falcon Crest), formed the cultural idea of “soap opera” for a generation. “Who Shot J.R?” is about as recognizable a prompt as “Who Killed Roger Ackroyd?”

In the 90s, flagging in ratings and with cancellation looming, Loving, an ABC soap created by the legendary soap team of Agnes Nixon and Douglas Marland, decided to go out with a bang, introducing a mystery serial killer who murdered almost every member of the main cast before committing suicide.

The early 2000s saw a wealth of serial killer stories on soaps. General Hospital had the infamous “Text Message Killer”, which is as dated as it sounds but would make a great Lifetime Original movie, and Days of Our Lives had the “Salem Stalker” which is one of the best and most wretched things the genre has ever produced.

But to say mystery stories were anathema to soaps in the era of Dark Shadows is false. Dark Shadows’s biggest competitor (4:30 in the afternoon) was CBS’s Edge of Night, the “crime drama soap”. The soap premiered a decade earlier specifically as “Perry Mason for daytime”. They weren’t subtle about it.

Edge of Night boasted crime stories of all kinds…murder, theft, organized crime, extortion, all played alongside the domestic fare soaps were more generally known for, in the same way that medical dramas like General Hospital and The Doctors handled their medical stories. Indeed, Edge of Night is the only soap to have been recognized by a national society of crime writers for their contributions to the genre.

Also, fun fact, Edge maintained a lead over Dark Shadows for more or less the entirety of its run, including when it became a pop cultural phenomenon.

But what makes this impending mystery story different is that…

Well.

The folks around here have never told a mystery story before. And they’re not exactly pulling from Sayers and Wodehouse. For what they are pulling from, in a manner that would’ve been so obvious to the contemporary daytime viewer that it’s a wonder Dan Curtis was never sued, are the anthology thriller and suspense programs that cluttered television screens over the previous decade.

But Dark Shadows from the Beginning has you covered there.

Fuck you, man, I was providing background info.

Burke orders breakfast (“orange juice, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee”, because heart disease is for pussies) and also probing questions about Maggie’s father. Maggie isn’t inclined to give him much tea in this regard and, naturally, Burke isn’t prepared to tell her about that meeting they attended together last night, so they don’t get much farther than that.

Burke is apparently the third person to ask after Malloy. The second, as we know, was Sam, but apparently Carolyn came over earlier to look for him, which I guess is why she wasn’t around for Joe’s visit to Collinwood last episode.

I hear it’s a magical place.

Maggie points out Burke never showed up for his portrait sitting this morning, and if that’s an indication they’re going to start sidelining that stupid plot device, thank mercy.

Burke claims he cancelled the sitting.

His life being so varied and intricate. Was it simply because he didn’t relish being alone with Sam after last night? Was he, as Maggie wonders, steadfastly looking for Malloy? Or was there something else? Something more sinister that he, for his own sake, cannot disclose?

Burke wonders if Sam also sounded concerned. Perhaps he’s getting an idea about Sam’s own intentions.

Mitch Ryan is heavily relying on that teleprompter today. It’s a miracle KLS doesn’t go the way of Alexandra Moltke in the Donut Debacle and completely lose her cool.

TO HELL

But Burke keeps whatever suspicions he does have from our long-suffering waitress.

This is the second time they’ve had a scene together, and the second time the shadow of Burke hangs over it. Previously, that was in the form of Maggie telling Joe and Carolyn Burke had summoned her to embarrass herself in front of the Consteriff on his behalf, an action that merited several punches in the nuts, but which Carolyn promptly forgave in favor of following him to Bangor and eating french fries at a fancy restaurant.

Joe is just back from his aforementioned visit to Collinwood and, on Liz Stoddard’s instructions, has been told to “ask around town” for Malloy, an ill-defined task with no set parameters that seems entirely designed to frustrate this poor young man more than he already is.

Oh, and Joe takes his coffee black too. I guess he does have a really big penis.

There is more sex communicated in that flicker of Maggie’s eyes than any of the twee, condescending, whining he’s ever gotten from Carolyn.

Maggie tells Joe “his lady friend” was in earlier and Joe immediately reaches the most natural conclusion.

But, for once, no correlation. It was a different older man that drove Carolyn’s course today.

This screencap is great. The only thing that would improve it is if Roger’s silhouette appeared in the window and started hopping.

Joe asks The Question and Burke, overhearing (he got lots of practice eavesdropping on all Joe and Carolyn’s dates), interjects.

For once, these two have a common goal, even if different motivations behind it.

Mind you, he was on A++ game two episodes ago, so this was probably just one of those “wrong side of the bed” things.

Joe who, as always, is a Person of Principles, is reluctant to inform on the Collinses to Burke because, frankly, it’s none of his business, but it technically is, but Joe has no way of knowing that.

Joe wonders why Burke is so interested in Malloy.

As Burke presses still further, Carolyn arrives and it really becomes a party.

Maggie just standing there marveling at how quickly her presence has been forgotten.

Apparently, Carolyn’s car won’t start. I do hope David hasn’t been near it.

And if they hadn’t, that question would’ve just stirred up the drama anyway. We live for a messy bitch.

She says, as if she did not, in fact, follow Burke to Bangor and eat french fries with him.

Burke, for once, isn’t willing to take part in high school love affairs and takes off.

It’s a rare day when Carolyn Stoddard doesn’t have a man tripping over himself to do embarrassing things with and to her.

Only if it’s the Fantastic Four’s Impossible Man.

Carolyn accepts, however, but very likely only because Burke is gone and Joe is the next best thing. Elsewhere…

This coffee is being poured by Sam Evans who, you will note, looks like shit.

One might think he did the usual Alcoholic Thing and slept in his clothes, but these are different from the clothes he had on last night. The dishevelment is a nice touch though.

A horrible terrifying screech of a doorknob alerts him. Thankfully, this is the very last time we’ll ever be subjected to that horrendous sound effect. In future, people will just knock on doors or else barge right in or else be ghosts who don’t need to be invited.

Hello, indeed. Burke may have cancelled his portrait sitting, but that doesn’t mean he can’t drop by unannounced to interrogate Sam about the missing Malloy.

He is tired. More so when Burke helps himself to coffee and plants himself in the easy chair.

That Burke keeps acting like they had a lukewarm hook up can’t possibly help matters.

I’d add that question to the drinking game, but it won’t be pertinent for very long.

Sam claims he doesn’t know and why should he and why should Roger know and why should Sam knows if Roger should now and please leave my house.

Maybe try going after Roger for someone who’s relieved. He didn’t even try to hide it. Sam is his usual brand of caustic exhaustion.

The man in the corner he’s staring at. Everybody.

It’s an interesting position. Burke doesn’t know what Sam was at the meeting for. He can certainly guess why Roger was, but Sam’s complicity is a complete mystery to him.

Sam’s defense?

But Malloy wasn’t, so maybe he just sucks.

This is a fairly shitty way to explain Malloy never showing up, because he could just as well have arrived to tell them he was, in fact, wrong, and that this is the best Sam can come up with does look fairly bad for him.

It’s the beard, I think.

Ooh, didn’t look anywhere else.

Burke points out that, even if Malloy hadn’t wanted to confront the with his mistake, he still never went home and his car was still in the driveway so… yeah.

Most of this week is just going around in circles until we get to the Friday episode.

Yes, Art Wallace, you’re very clever.

Joe has just been telling the girls about his errand looking for Malloy and how unsuccessful it’s been.

Until, that is, Maggie mentions Burke asking about Roger.

Carolyn and her many suitors. Joe, however, insists it wasn’t an argument and he’s mostly right. It was just Burke badgering him.

And at this point, who can blame him?

Joe even suggests that maybe Burke is responsible for Malloy’s disappearance.

Well, there’s this thing called an “inciting incident”. Victoria Winters was too incidental to be it, so that leaves the only other character who got off that train.

Maggie attepts to involve herself, beginning to ask if Burke has said anything to Carolyn in their many meetings…

Carolyn insists she had lunch with Bangor in Burke, or whatever, and there’s nothing more. Maggie couldn’t care less about how much of a cuck Carolyn is making Joe and only wants to know if Burke has said anything about her father, which is something she’s had to ask literally everybody since the show started and she has yet to get a good answer.

Naturally, Burke has never said anything to Carolyn about Sam who, to date, has had the least to do with him of an of the principles except, I guess, David for now. At her wit’s end, Maggie asks a favor from Collinsport’s star couple.

While this isn’t the first time Maggie left the restaurant during a shift (the last time was the Emancipation), but it is the first time she put the most irresponsible person in town in charge. And Joe, but we know how easily he falls under Carolyn’s sway.

Maggie’s better than I. I’d have thrown that donut plate right at her.

With the Intelligent Adult out of the room, conversation naturally turns back to Burke.

It goes without saying, but how are these two even a couple? Besides being young and pretty they appear to have nothing in common. We always hear Joe talk about how much he loves Carolyn and wants to marry her, and we (very occasionally) hear Carolyn talk about how Joe is nice and all, but we never hear the talk about why.

Art Wallace’s series bible has it that they’ve known each other since they were kids, but that’s yet to be discussed on screen and, even if it were, that still isn’t enough to explain the sole romantic relationship on the show right now. And yes, it’s the sole one. Burke’s pursuit of both Carolyn and Vicky is currently courting. They haven’t committed really to either one, even though it feels Vicky and Burke should’ve got somewhere behind a single sexless dinner date by now.

Joe even asks her to marry him as they’re laughing at each other and she acts like it’s a private joke of theirs which, at this point, it basically is.

I don’t know what possesses Joe to tell Carolyn about David’s crystal ball, but he does.

Joe Haskell has no game. There is no world where telling Carolyn about her psychotic nephew prophesying she’ll marry his archrival would make Carolyn more willing to marry Joe, except possibly in an attempt to spurn the Fates, but I don’t think that’s Carolyn’s style.

But she’s just as averse to deciding her own future, so…

I think it’s adorable that Burke is still expecting something productive to come out of this visit. It’s a shame because by now, Mitch isn’t relying on the teleprompter at all, though I suspect that may change at any time.

I think of a few other things he can do with that magic wand…

Well, let’s talk about that for a second.

It’s true that, as far as suspects are concerned, Roger and Sam are most clearly indicated, with their motives being wanting to keep Malloy from telling Burke the truth, which would ruin them both. Roger’s cavalier attitude when Malloy never showed up and Sam’s agitation over the same are both indicators that they could’ve been responsible, especially Roger’s.

But it isn’t true they’re the only suspects.

What if Burke suspected Malloy couldn’t clear him? What if he, in fact, didn’t like the idea of Malloy’s ultimatum after all, and didn’t want to stop his plans to ruin the Collinses? What if this searching and determination is all an act to obfuscate his complicity?

It’s an interesting idea, isn’t it?

Sam insists he’s as concerned about Malloy’s disappearance as Burke, not that he says this with much concern, but this can as easily be written off as him being sick and tired of Burke.

Not that there was much of a sampling. I guess Mr. Wells is the new Worthiest Citizen.

Okay, so we’re playing this game, which is an early indicator that maybe these guys behind the scenes aren’t cut out for writing mystery fiction. The whole “did you refer to the missing person in PAST TENSE” cliché was tired and overblown even in 1966. Mind you, Francis Swann is the writer with some experience in noir and crime stuff, so maybe we have new reasons to look forward to him now.

So please get the fuck out of my house.

In general, Sam is more in control of his faculties now than he was during the meeting. Is this because he’s settled himself, he is confident that he doesn’t know where Malloy is… Or has the initial shock of getting rid of Malloy been superseded by the new confidence gained of actually being rid of him?

Maggie, as before, took off to ask after her father out of great worry for her him. Burke doesn’t linger long after she arrives. When Sam asks where he’s off to now…

Yeah, yeah, you’re very badass, see you later.

Meanwhile, Joe has given Carolyn a lift back to Collinwood, owing to the whiles of the unreliable mechanic. Any questions about what the car ride was like are quickly answered.

Yeah, that is your exact trouble. Please, kindly, be good to yourself and seek other options. I’m available.

Their only “thing” is calling each other idiots. It’s the extent of romance between them.

Daw. Still, find other people. Both of you. I command it. You’re both obviously suffering and not in the sexy way.

Joe tells her that he doesn’t mind her sudden alarming changes in temperament as “you have to take the bad with the good.” Carolyn gives me one of my favorite lines of hers:

Me wanting to liberate these two from each other isn’t just because I love Joe Haskell. Carolyn needs a heavy dose of self-esteem, and she sure as hell won’t get any more of that from Burke than she would with Joe. Just the opposite. What she does need is some friends, a social life, and an easygoing relationship with a man her own age who doesn’t want to marry her and isn’t some kind of sex pervert.

Is that so much to ask? Apparently, yes.

I think that depends on the this month’s ratings, hun.

Fine, that was cute. This is a cute scene. Maybe the writers can salvage this pairing. If they gave half a damn.

This surprisingly tender moment is interrupted by a fierce banging on the door.

This is Burke’s first visit to Collinwood since he returned David and the suppository two nights previously. Yet again, he’s here to make a mess with Roger.

Carolyn goes off to get her uncle, though I doubt she’ll have much success since Joe said last episode he was still at work, and I doubt even he could get out this early. Either way, the guys are made to wait together.

They’ll actually identify the Collins in that painting in a few weeks, but the real answer is It Doesn’t’ Matter.

That strange family, doing family things. I wonder if Burke’s realized exactly what Liz did to protect David yet. Clearly, he doesn’t give a shit, and we’re all supposed to forget that he is in possession of a secret that could completely destroy the family entirely divorced from his business ambitions, because that would’ve meant that whole story accomplished something.

What touching faith, he has.

But Joe, as we know and as Burke now learns, has no plans to live in Collinwood. Quite the opposite. As has been related to us time and again, Joe wants nothing more than to get Carolyn out of this house even if, as he told Sam during that scene, he doesn’t want to leave town.

Which Joe should’ve already known, since he brought papers to this very house on Roger’s behalf last episode, but oh well.

It turns out, though, that Burke has already checked the cannery and Roger isn’t there either, so it is an active question. Can a clue be read into this, or is it just because we can only have so many actors in an episode at once?

Burke prepares to leave. Carolyn wonders if he, Roger’s nemesis, has a message for her uncle, whose nemesis he is.

A simple message, but certainly enough to get Roger to piss his pants.

Carolyn wonders if Burke has any idea where Malloy has gone.

Okay, that was another good one.

Back at the Evans residence, Maggie is telling Sam the latest reason all this bullshit has her worried about his messy ass.

Yes it is. If only they could give her a new one.

‘But you didn’t hear that from me.’

There’s only one reason for this scene to be a thing and it is this.

Yeah, then he might have to get a real job. Maggie isn’t here for more of her father’s never-ending evasive bullshit, however, and presses further.

And for this we thank…

This is just the kind of thing you tell somebody to make them more inquisitive with a side of righteously pissed off.

So Sam urges Maggie out of the house and returns to Burke’s portrait.

You might remember he tore up the preliminary sketch a few episodes ago. I guess he made a new one and then started the actual portrait. Who the hell knows.

Again, she’s had to ask this question in almost every episode she’s appeared in since the first week and she has yet to get anything even close to a clue.

Sam ignores the poor girl and so she has no choice but to leave. As she goes, though…

She gets no answer to that now. But she will. We all will.

And it’ll be a hell of a ride.

As for Sam, alone with his thoughts?

This Day in History- Thursday, September 1, 1966

Enter September…

So on the same day as Dark Shadows was heading towards death, American pop cultural was heading toward VIDEO GAMES. Inventor Ralph H. Baer wrote a four-page document from a bus terminal, laying out the parameters for a game that could be played on a TV. This would become the Magnavox Odyssey home entertainment system in early 1972.

United Nations Secretary-General U Thant decides not to seek re-election, citing his own failures at stemming the tide of the Vietnam War. His words are prophetic and a magnitude higher than most of our contemporary leadership: “In my view, the tragic error is being repeated of relying on fire and military means in a deceptive pursuit of peace.”

Chinese Prime Minister Zhou Enlai orders the Red Guards to cease attacks on Mrs. Soong Ching-ling, the widow of the founder of China’s republic and first President, Sun Yat-sen, calling her “a heroine of the Chinese Communist Revolution”. The Red Guards were also told to cease their violence against Chinese citizens and, rather than destroying “decadent” symbols of art and culture, try selling them for profit, because our Communist utopia can’t pay for itself, guys. Anyway, this finally began to stem the month-long chaos that was the “Glorious Revolution”.

Color TV comes to Canada when CBS presents Color Preview ’66, a one hour special, followed by Telescope, a documentary series. CTV will follow on September 6, featuring this weird new thing called Star Trek, in color.