Can you believe it’s morning already?
Five days, honey. I know, the last one was only 10 episodes, which is like a blur, but it’s still just been five days.
Day 5 also is through fairly quickly. This will be the first Dark Shadows in-universe “Day” to wrap within a week’s time at less than five episodes.
You know what has been a long time?
It’s been 12 episodes since we last saw David Collins. This is justifiable, I suppose, given how much work David Henesy had to put in over the course of the (sigh) suppository saga. It was a lot to ask a young actor and he more than rose to the challenge.
Still, we have been missing the little scamp. And, now that he is no longer in immediate danger of being sent away for attempted murder, to the point where nobody even seems to want to talk about it, it’s safe for him to come back.
David who, like Carolyn, had gotten a new haircut, albeit a much more unfortunate one, is looking for a missing drawing because, in the last day or so since we saw him, he has suddenly become an artist. We know where the drawing is, of course. Vicky took it from his room to admire it, or whatever, and then used it to get Roger pants-wettingly terrified of the prospect of her developing a social life.
Never fear, it is here.
It vexes me that we never got to see what David’s lessons were like the day after the entire household learned he tried to kill his Dad. Did Vicky just sit in the corner and bang her head against the wall while he drew? Because she’d be justified.
David is, naturally, upset that Vicky “borrowed” (i.e. stole) the picture, which is very rich given the lurid history these two have around stealing things from each other’s dressers.
Obviously he knows it. Do you think he set out to make an un-wonderful drawing? This is why there’s no more governesses.
Anyway, David is my son.
I LOVE HIM
We have officially entered “David isn’t all bad” mode. He gets absolutely mushy when Vicky suggests he meet a “real artist” someday and, I dunno, maybe it’s not cool to encourage a kid’s artistic talents and then start talking about “real artists”, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
Dammit, Victoria, you’re ruining everything.
They sit down to lessons and Victoria casually mentions that Roger liked the picture when she showed it to him. Besides being a lie, I don’t know what possessed her to think it was cool to mention Roger to him as if nothing has happened.
Victoria half-heartedly attempts to put the sketch back together and she acts as if this is his fault when, really, an artist has the best excuse of anybody in the world to take umbrage at his own creations.
As if she knows where he’s been.
Why does Victoria keep insisting Roger thought the picture was wonderful? It’s lying. Hadn’t she learned by now that lying to this kid never works and only makes everything worse?
Now he’s got started again.
Christ, he’s right.
Show me the lie. Vicky isn’t even able to contest this so she lamely skirts around it.
I think she’s noticed.
In a lively demonstration of how she lives in fear, Victoria doesn’t tell Liz what they were talking about and instead pretends they were discussing the American Revolution and things got heated because David is a monarchist or whatever.
Regardless, Liz moves on from this tiresome tack to present David with a mysterious present that just came to the house for him. It could be anything. A bomb. Arsenic. Nude photographs. We don’t know. Liz gives it to her nephew anyway because he already has two guns and any further policing is pretty moot.
This kid is so starved for affection. God bless.
Remarkable that she can admit that as long as it’s not to his face.
Anyway, let’s have a look what’s in that box, huh?
Sure. You can buy ‘em in bulk at Pier 1 Imports.
Yes. An entirely normal thing to give a child and a just as normal thing for a child to get excited about. Then again, David seems like the kind of kid who’d get thrilled by this. He reads automotive magazines in his spare time.
There’s a card inside the box, presumably because the sender feared the fate of the present if he identified himself on the address label.
Burke sent him a crystal ball, complete with a cryptic message. When did he get it? They last spoke (actually their first meeting) two nights ago. Did Burke buy it in Bangor-drink? Also, what the fuck was he thinking? What does it mean? Is there treasure hidden in the stand? A coded message? Was Burke murdered in his bed and this is really from an apache catspaw bent on anarchy? Where does somebody even buy a crystal ball in the days before Internet hobbyism?
Very much. We should have an investigation.
Liz, at least, has the cognizance to suspect anything from Burke is dodgy and, unlike with Roger and the (sterling silver filigreed fountain) pen, I can believe her motives are entirely built on concern for this young person’s wellbeing.
Still, Burke has really weird taste in gifts, doesn’t he?
Is she regretting not giving him up to the cops yet?
Still, you have to feel bad for the kid. What do you reckon was the last gift he received? Much less the last friend he had? Liz, seeing this, allows him to call Burke to say thanks and he scurries off on his merry way.
But doesn’t everybody? Hate his father, I mean. Not everybody hating their fathers generally. I’m sure your father is very pleasant, for example.
Regardless.
See? He has manners for some people.
It’s a special type of child who gets excited about the gift of prophecy and an even more special type of person who knows how to get such a thing.
Why would David think Burke would appreciate a sketch of Collinwood? Even David knows Burke hates the house and half the inhabitants.
David’s conversation is interrupted by a knock on the door.
Joe and David have had precious few reasons to interact in the past, but this scene means Joe will have shared the screen with every principle character except Roger, which is good because then we might have to see them fight over Carolyn too.
David is very much the excited little kid today, eager to show Joe his new toy.
It’s a testament to David’s character growth that he doesn’t immediately call Joe a sniveling loser.
Who wants to bet David knows he can’t really see the future in this thing, but is willing to pretend he can in order to ruin peoples’ lives? David excitedly supposes Joe never had anything as metal as a crystal ball when he was a kid and Joe has to sheepishly defend himself to a nine-year-old.
Poor Joe. Anyway, he’s here to bring Cannery Business to Liz because his new job is basically glorified errand boy.
Liz mercifully arrives before Joe has to explain his sex life to this child. It turns out that Roger gave Joe papers to bring to Liz for a signature. Why he couldn’t just go on his lunch break or after work considering he lives with her is a mystery, but it’s probably because he just doesn’t like to do things.
Liz takes Joe aside and tells David to put his toy away for now.
He’s right. No sane person would consider that thing a toy.
In the drawing room, Liz points out it’s weird that Joe is doing this.
Which lets us return to the current Big Question.
Whatever happened to Bill Malloy? For the second day in a row, he hasn’t been at work and, this time, not even we’ve seen him.
The industrious Joe informs us Malloy isn’t at home either. He checked on the way and spoke to the redoubtable Mrs. Johnson, the housekeeper.
Oh dear.
Honey, he just told you that.
So, the facts, as related by Mrs. Johnson as related by Joe.
- Malloy got home at around 10:00 and had “supper”.
- Malloy received a phone call at 10:30. Whoever it was with and whatever it was about, Malloy was visibly upset over it.
- Mrs. Johnson went to her daughter’s place to spend the night because why else did she have kids? Malloy was still at home when she left.
- Mrs. Johnson returned to the house this morning to fix Malloy’s breakfast and found no sign of him. The bed was not slept in.
- Liz knows Malloy must’ve left the house before 11:00 since she tried calling after that time, to no avail.
So that’s what we have. It isn’t much. We have even more than Liz and Joe have, of course. An account of the meeting Malloy meant to have and which he never himself attended.
You may be getting a premonition of your own…
Has something terrible happened to Bill Malloy?
But I can guess.
In times of crisis, we often revert to the comfortable and familiar. For Elizabeth, the comfortable and familiar is using the phone.
I don’t know what she intends to accomplish besides implying she doesn’t trust Joe’s story, but Liz is now badgering Malloy’s housekeeper herself. She wonders if Malloy has said anything about staying with his cousins. He also has a sister whose daughter or whatever it was he wanted Carolyn to go road-tripping with, but Liz doesn’t seem to find it fit to mention her.
These relations, however, can’t be caught up with because they have no phone, because that was still a reasonable scenario in 1966.
I’m sure you’ll be the first thought on her mind.
Oh here we go again.
Vicky notes David never came back upstairs despite Liz dismissing him.
No, she isn’t talking about David, it’s Malloy again. She pays Vicky’s comment no mind. Liz deputizes Joe to ask after Malloy in town. I can only hope she comps him for the work hours he’ll be missing on this errand.
Vicky helpfully notes that Malloy was here last night, and now you understand why it was important for Vicky to be present on the periphery of Malloy and Roger’s confrontation in Monday’s episode. Not only did she overhear important snatches, she is now able to prove Roger was lying to Liz when he claimed he hadn’t seen Malloy since that afternoon.
Why is she calling him Mr. Collins? It’s even weirder than when she calls Roger “Uncle Roger” in Carolyn’s hearing. At least that might be humoring her.
Liz dismisses Joe for the moment and zeroes in on Vicky, who is unable to tell her the exact content of Roger and Malloy’s confrontation, but can verify it was Quelle Dramatique.
Yeah, I think he almost screamed up a lung once or twice in that episode.
When prompted, Vicky is even able to divulge the one significant bit of conversation she did hear.
Vicky notes Liz’s obvious concern, wondering if Mr. Malloy has ever taken off before.
Wow. When he said he lived and breathed for the Collins family, he meant it. Don’t neglect your social lives, kids, one never knows what can happen.
Back in the foyer, Joe paces restlessly, eager to be on with his many new errands…
Oh good, he’s back to doing what he does best: threatening people’s lives.
Joe meekly attempts to get him to focus on schoolwork, giving him the maxim “It’s not about what you want to do, but what you have to do”, which is a nice, hardworking thing to say and, therefore, is about to get him totally owned.
Joe asks if Carolyn is home and so David looks into the great Orb.
Joe then asks if the crystal ball can tell them where Malloy went.
Oh, sweet summer child.
My poor baby Joe then suggests the crystal ball is a FAKE.
In the Greek myths, such a statement would get him turned into a boll weevil. David seizes upon the next big thing: ruining all Joe’s hopes and dreams.
I’d take his word on this, Joe, but it’s for the best on both parts.
Joe, still foolishly ignorant of David’s powers of divination, wonders if the crystal ball said who Carolyn would marry.
At which point, Joe has no choice but to stand like a chastened child while David runs upstairs.
Liz and Vicky emerge from their little inquiry, Liz giving Victoria a rare “thank you” for her help. Joe is next pulled aside so Liz can sign those contracts.
Mind you, in 1966 terms, it’s more ethical to swat a child than to paddle a teenage girl at a bar. Just in case some of you wanted to cast stones at Joe.
Liz’s business with Joe is handled promptly, at which point she…
At least she’s not calling Ned Calder again. We’re past that now. Instead, it’s Roger she wants to speak to, presumably so she can rip him a new asshole for deceiving her.
From what we’ve seen of Roger’s work life, probably.
Liz tells him what she knows of his deceit and demands an explanation.
That’s how you know it’s serious.
David is distracted from his lessons because of a glass ball. This is what kids had to do to occupy themselves back then.
Hasn’t he been through enough?
David’s curiosity is that of an ordinary child faced with a compelling mystery. He keeps asking and asking and asking…when was Malloy last seen, what others think happened to him, and all the rest.
Vicky also is on the record as not believing in ghosts and believing she’ll discover the truth of her origins, so maybe we shouldn’t take her as an authority.
And Vicky, demonstrating signs of finally getting it, humors him and encourages him to seek the answers in the crystal ball because who the hell needs long division anyway?
But David insists he’s already consulted the orb.
You heard it here first, folks.
Read us, queen!
Oh! God, it’s too good to be true! Do you have any idea what that would mean for all of us long-suffering viewers of this program?
YES, YES, WE DO, CHILD GOD
YES YES YES YES IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT THIS IT IT THIS IS JUST WHAT WE NEEDED THE SHOW IS SAVED, SAVED, I TELL YOU, SAVED, THANK THE GODS FOR THE ORB, THE ORB THAT KNOWS ALL
This Day in History- Wednesday, August 31, 1966
The Daxing Massacre peaks in the eponymous district of Beijing, China. Several hundred are killed in a single day with the sanction of the government.
Beautiful. I love history.
Kooks of Collinwood 