Some people will hope for anything.
But Vicky’s futile quest for her past is more redundant than usual this episode. It’s Maggie!
Maggie doesn’t have long to enjoy the morning paper, though. She’s got a visitor.
Burke is looking for Sam, but Sam mercifully isn’t here, possibly off painting that sunrise he was talking about, despite Burke saying it’s after 10:00.
Maggie mentions she was reading about Roger’s ‘accident’ in the paper. Did Burke hear about it?
And let’s please, please, please not hear about it again.
Maggie, continuing to be a perceptive human being, wonders if Burke is here because of the accident, remembering how subtly perturbed her father was about it last night.
As Maggie goes to fetch more invisible coffee for them to pretend to drink, Burke tells her…
Kathryn Leigh Scott gets to earn another soap opera milestone: the Stunned News Cup Drop
Maggie fetches fresh coffee.
What a charming piece of shit he is.
Maggie insists she has every reason to be curious about the crash. Collinsport, after all, isn’t a happening kinda town.
It is a shining testament to the work put on by Kathryn Leigh Scott in her relatively few appearances on this show that we can witness this transformation of her character from the “brassy dame” Art Wallace delineated in his series bible to this clever, sharp, yet sweet young lady.
Maggie cannily guesses Burke’s return to Collinsport is connected, somehow, to her father. We know Sam is caught up in all this, but we also know Burke doesn’t know that. As far as he’s concerned, Sam is only an old friend. It’s Sam who has something to hide.
She becomes defensive when Burke starts asking about Sam’s painting.
Nice of her to defend the guy deadset on being a total shitbird to her at every turn.
Said shitbird is currently nosying about with Maggie’s replacement.
The expansion of Maggie’s character means that she can’t always be stuck at the diner doing drudgery. So they introduced “Susie”, who has the distinction of being the first extra we’ve ever seen in the restaurant set. For whatever reason, nobody ever seems to want to eat here.
Sam isn’t the only blustery queen hanging out in these parts.
Roger is back from dealing with the “insurance people” about the Rogermobile. We must assume he has a pristine credit score, because this is the last time anybody worries about the financial cost of that crash.
Concluding his call, Roger sits down with the morning paper, while Sam observes They Ass.
Sam, who lives and breathes for this kinda shit, wastes no time insinuating himself into Roger’s business, sitting uninvited at his table.
To be a bothersome twit, of course.
There’s this absurd “Let’s pretend to talk about other things” bit where Sam doesn’t want Susie to hear what’s going down.
Sam begins babbling about how he and Roger are caught up in this together, so he must know every last detail of what happened between him and Burke last night, and it goes on and on and Roger isn’t here for it.
Roger does oblige and gives Sam the tea.
About his tangle in Burke’s hotel room last night. Burke, Roger explains, is out of chances. He’ll see Burke thrown behind bars for what he’s done. Sam, who exists here only to provide fodder for Louis Edmonds to react to, wonders if that’s a good idea.
Roger suggests that Sam might be pleased if something were to happen to him, as he and Roger are the only people who know the truth about what really happened ten years ago.
So Sam has every reason to be freaking the hell out, both in and out of universe. He’s screwed if Burke learns the truth, and more screwed still if Roger decides to deal with him to prevent that eventuality ever happening.
Moreover, his name isn’t Collins. We don’t really expect one of the principal family members to be killed off in the show’s first month. But Sam is a bumbling old idiot. He has only one relative on canvas, and she would be better served without him. He has no friends, and serves only as the inconvenient loose end in what appears to be this show’s primary arc: the Burke Devlin story.
The entire character screams “plot-convenient death”. We expect some sort of whodunit where half the canvas has a motive and a month is spent trying to figure out who the killer is. It’s a soap trope as old as time and has been taken to such logical extremes as removing an entire cast ahead of the cancellation.
Roger’s dialog seems to bait us to suspect Sam is quickly becoming expendable, that soon there’ll be another murder attempt…and this one will work.
Back at the Evans house, Burke is admiring the artwork.
That painting between them is of Maggie’s never-to-be-named mother. Starting now, it’ll just hang out in the background of the house forever. Notably, Sam didn’t budget for a frame.
Maggie wonders why Burke came back to Collinsport in the first place.
Maggie is clever enough to frame these questions in innocuous terms, but Burke catches on quickly enough and wonders why she should think he has anything against his old buddy Sam. Burke’s only grievance against him, he says, is that Sam never wrote him in prison.
Speak of the devil…
Is it Burke looking at Maggie like he wants her to put him out of his misery, or is just Mitch Ryan resenting the fact that he has to put up with this idiot?
As we know, Sam finds it physically impossible to remain calm, cool and collected in any circumstance. He futzes around with his easel, wondering what it is that Burke wants. This despite the fact that in their meeting yesterday, Sam intimated that Burke could visit him another time and here Burke is, another time, visiting.
Ah, yes, the sixth food group: ceaseless agitation.
Burke mentions, as an aside, that Maggie thinks Burke is angry with Sam. Sam continues to be cool as Alaska.
Sam tears into Maggie with Mark Allen either accidentally or on purpose slurring all his words.
Burke must be a clairvoyant. Somehow, someway, Sam’s behavior convinces him that something fishy is going on.
If you’ve been watching the previous six Sam Evans episodes, you can imagine how Sam reacts: like the sweaty narc who gets bumped off halfway in the mob movie.
This motherfuck goes right for the Schnapps in front of the guest he doesn’t want to seem suspicious in front of, prompting his daughter to all but beg for his forgiveness for a slight so small I doubt anybody in the room could describe it.
Maggie is 23, and there is no CPS yet, but Burke should probably call somebody.
Burke proceeds to ensure Sam he doesn’t give a fuck about his private life, at the same time channeling Roger despite everything.
Burke explains the real reason for his visit now and, presumably, back in Episode 7: he wants Sam to paint his portrait.
I can’t understate how absurdly nonthreatening every aspect of Burke’s revenge plan is. No wonder everybody has to believe he tried to kill Roger. Otherwise, you can’t help but feel bad that his version of The Count of Monte Cristo amounts to politely asking his rival to sell all their property and commissioning a painting of himself to hang in their house.
At the same time, he pays his down-on-his-luck friend a generous commission that could salvage his career and save his daughter from spending the best years of her life toiling over a deep fryer.
Sam’s reaction?
Kindly consider that this would be the most amazing thing that ever happened to this shithead, but Sam has so little faith in his capacity to keep cool around Burke (for good reason, I might add) that he refuses out of hand.
Sam is suitably chastened. Burke proceeds to explain that, yes, he is very serious about this, and it becomes very clear what he intends.
That’s it. The only reason Burke wants his portrait painted is so he can hang it in the Collinwood drawing room, right where old Jeremiah hangs out now. That is the next phase of his plan.
It seems the only reason we even faded to Collinwood in this episode was so we could have that transition, but the show can’t just say that, so they threw Carolyn in to answer some random phone call from Joe.
Joe apparently invites Carolyn for lunch but Carolyn has to decline because she’s waiting for Uncle Roger to come back.
Roger does, in fact, return, to give this scene some semblance of a wider purpose.
Roger is pissing excited about the Constable’s impending visit and, let me tell you, so am I, but of course that will have to wait, so it remains that there’s only one thing left to do…
This really is something special. Carolyn wonders how long Roger needs the sling. Roger decides to find out and TAKES THE DAMN THING OFF, makes a few wincing faces, and then decides that he can get on without it.
Nancy Barrett doesn’t seem surprised at any of this, and the lines seem to fit into the script, so I think we can rule out another 100 Miles incident, but the weirdness of the whole thing makes you wonder if Louis Edmonds complained to Dan Curtis about having to wear this stupid sling which, after all, is severely inhibiting his theatrical gesticulations.
Roger then takes the nasty, sweaty linen he’s been wearing adjacent to his armpit since last night and gives it to Carolyn as
If this is what passes for gifts in this family, maybe they are all insane.
Roger takes a call informing him that the “Constable” is coming soon. Presumably his buggy busted an axle.
Carolyn decides to recreate her scenes with her mother from last episode, but this time with Roger. She wonders if he intends to have Burke arrested, which is literally the exact same question she posed to Liz in this exact same set on this exact same couch.
I think we need Roger Collins on the House Judiciary Committee is what I think.
Carolyn isn’t entirely enthused.
Roger is quite insulted that Carolyn doesn’t share his desire to see his ex publicly humiliated and jailed in front of a live audience. He demands, like he’s the fucking Duke of York or something, that she get out of his sight.
He wonders where Miss Winters is, perhaps looking for another inappropriately-aged girl. Carolyn informs us that Vicky has finally decided to do the job for which she is paid, and is upstairs tutoring David.
Roger can’t give less of a shit about his son’s education, though, and decides to inform her that the Constable is coming so she ought to put on her Sunday best or something.
Carolyn, apparently deciding that if she can’t have Unca Roger’s affection, Vicky can’t either, tells him that Vicky told her she believes Burke is innocent too.
Carolyn admits she only really hopes Burke is innocent because, if he weren’t, the onus would be on her for bringing Burke to Collinwood. Roger here has a chance to show a flicker of human feeling, a shine of selfless for his niece that he never spares for his son.
And let me tell you, he almost does.
It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s the first reassuring statement he’s ever given anybody. Roger has no reason to absolve Carolyn of her guilt and, arguably, every reason to resent her for being excessively horny over his worst enemy, and yet he goes out of his way to be nice, in whatever small capacity he is able.
Which isn’t very far.
Roger doesn’t seem to understand that he just admitted he jumped to the conclusion based on preconceived bias that has colored everything that’s happened to him since the first episode, and that this fatal hole in his logic opens the possibility wide open that there may have been somebody else responsible and that Roger is really only determined to see Burke punished.
But in his defense, Carolyn doesn’t seem to get that either.
Roger then proceeds to roast her ass:
Yeah, you just go and hang out with your hot boyfriend. Jerk. Damn.
Yes, I’m sure he was a constant pain in the tuckus from that jail cell your testimony landed him in.
Roger goes so far as to admit that he doesn’t give a damn about proof, which colors the truth of his motivation: Roger couldn’t care less if Burke really is guilty. He sees a chance to get rid of Burke before he can “destroy him” and he’s going to take it.
Carolyn points out this is a fairly shit thing to admit to, and Roger placates her.
Roger claims that his very detailed description of how he sincerely intends to send Burke to prison no matter what happens was just an outburst, and he doesn’t really believe it, and he loves democracy, and he loves justice most of all.
About that.
After Carolyn is shooed out for her date, Roger grasps the sling in his hand and…
I feel that would be more dramatic if it was, oh, a glass, like back in the beginning. Or maybe even something tiny and solid like a suppository. Not a gross piece of fabric that undoubtedly smells like B.O.
But Louis Edmonds takes it very seriously and, as with so much on Dark Shadows, that makes all the difference.
We cap off proceedings with Maggie preparing to go to work.
I’m just gonna assume that was a quiet critique of people willing to spend $1,000 for a painting of them sitting on a thumbtack.
But you know she’ll collect that bag no matter what.
Burke offers to give Maggie a lift to work, even though Sam couldn’t possibly have been working on the sketches more than five minutes. Not that Sam minds, he’s in quite a genial mood. It’s really a lovely thing to see. Cherish it in your heart.
Sam does have one question: how will they be able to finish the portrait? It’ll take weeks and, even though the Venezuela Affair is need-to-know information, Burke has made very clear he only intends to stay a few days and, since this is his second morning, there can’t be very much left to that “few”.
Burke replies, while not looking at Sam at all, the better to preserve the integrity of his profile for generations to come:
Burke isn’t the only one. For things to come and, indeed, some things already known, will force the entire show to change plans. Again and again and again…
And again. Until they find something that fits.
It’s This Guy From That Thing!
The ignominious Mark Allen has not done much to distinguish himself in his time on Dark Shadows. His stuttering and slurring and general slovenliness isn’t likely to win any hearts.
Despite this, he has an extensive filmography, appearing in television anthologies, crime dramas (including The Naked City, where a good deal of Dark Shadows supporting actors had roles) and especially Westerns.
Interestingly, in the three roles he played on the Western Wanted: Dead or Alive, one was Sheriff Sam Hatcher, and another Deputy Charlie Evans.
The 60s brought roles on shows such as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Peter Gunn, Leave it to Beaver and the Untouchables.
One year before Dark Shadows, Allen played a thug in the family picture Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion, which is one of many reasons the studio film industry needed to be reinvented at the end of the decade.
In years following Dark Shadows, he appeared on long-running primetime drama The Fugitive, The Invaders, something called Bearcats! and most notably in the procedural series The FBI.
His last acting credit is in a 1975 episode of Cannon, another crime drama, at which point Allen seemed to leave acting behind. One wonders why. He passed away in 2003.
Make good choices.
This Day in History- Tuesday, July 26, 1966
Muhammad Ahmad Mahgoub, Prime Minister of Sudan, is forced to step down following a 126 to 30 vote in the Constituent Assembly. Really is a day for ridiculous election result margins.
Something more relevant to the show: vehicular manslaughter! Film star William Holden strikes and kills a middle-aged salesman while driving in Italy. The case is settled for $80,oo0 which really makes you wonder just how much Roger Collins is worth.
Kooks of Collinwood 