The Suppository Spat I- Lovers’ Quarrel

Don’t you hate people that make everything about themselves?

The difference being that, unlike Vicky’s past, the road actually goes somewhere.

Specifically, it has conveyed Vicky with her captor Roger…

To the Collinsport Inn to confront Burke at what must be an ungodly hour of the night.

Roger has brought Vicky here ostensibly so she can ‘testify’ to Burke’s face about that business with the garage and the wrench and the car door or possibly hood she heard slamming shut. In his mind, it is very important he lets Burke know all about what he suspects before going to the police, because, my dears, Pettiness is a natural resource.

Still, Roger asks Vicky to wait in the lobby until he’s “ready” to summon her upstairs, which we can only assume means, for him, “When it would be most dramatically satisfying.”

Headcanon: Mr. Wells runs a Bad Times at the El Royale scam with the guests, and Roger was RFK’d.

Roger insists that because he was

He reserves the right to do things “his way”, no matter how harebrained, ill-conceived, or likely to end in him being dragged out of a man’s hotel room for disturbing the peace/indecent exposure.

Vicky is left alone to indulge in a cup of coffee at what we have been repeatedly told is the Very Witching Time of Night. All seems to be going well for her, until…

Sam has apparently not returned home to be with his randomly ill daughter, after all. Instead, he must’ve left the restaurant at some point after his scene with Malloy last episode, and was out doing God Knows What before returning for no other reason than to give the heroine a hard time.

Now, if you’re wary of spoilers, I will advise you not to check the relevant Dark Shadows From the Beginning entry for this episode and, rather, would suggest you hold off for, oh…five-to-ten-to-15 episodes from now, to avoid having a nasty shock, but the tension between Sam Evans and Victoria Winters in this episode, which doesn’t make much sense from the POV of their respective characters, takes on a whole new dimension when viewed through the eyes of Mark Allen and Alexandra Moltke.

Suffice to say, that may have been in the script, but it wasn’t supposed to sound like a threat.

Sam tries probing Vicky for information, while a Terminator moves about in the crevices behind the restaurant counter.

In point of fact, that’s just a camera. They wouldn’t have had much reason to ‘fill in’ the area behind Maggie’s counter since we usually see it from angles. The parts of it to the extreme either end were probably not fully ‘closed’, and yet this is the one time I am familiar with this being a problem.

Sam wonders if any of the weird ghost stories he told her “the other day” (which was really this morning in this very, very, very long day) on Widow’s Hill have gotten her to consider leaving. Since it’s been a while since Vicky has been told to leave, she reacts with a certain umbrage.

She’s just waiting for an excuse to come for this man’s wire-brush hair.

Just for my edification, please enjoy what appears to be the entire hole in the set we just saw that camera through.

Smelled, of course. He’s dead now.

Sam reveals he was on his way home when he ‘glanced back’ and saw Vicky and Roger arriving together.

Believe me, it isn’t his only bad habit.

Sam continues inelegantly probing to find out where Roger is and, my God, this poor girl has never needed an adult more.

Mark Allen may be excused for fucking up his line there. There is a very distinct noise of whispering from somewhere off the set, at the very moment Sam begins to look up.

Again, I won’t go into much detail as concerns this business, but believe me, there’s much to be found for those who look.

It’s been a quiet week for Burke. Focusing, as it has, on the aftermath of the crash, we’ve seen attention paid to the victim, a key witness, the victim’s few confidantes, and the actual engineer of the whole disaster who, somehow, has of yet garnered no suspicion from anyone whatsoever.

We haven’t seen Burke since Monday’s episode, and yet he’s been a prime subject of conversation in every episode between. Did Burke remove the suppository, causing the car to crash? Did Victoria see Burke do anything suspicious when she encountered him in the garage? What was Carolyn thinking going out of her way to see Burke on her date?

Burke is the primary driver of all the action in Collinsport, almost to the point of ridiculousness. Victoria may not have accomplished a single damn thing since she got here, but Burke has taken over the world by virtue of just existing.

Even now, he gets to enjoy the role of red herring suspect for an attempted murder, an act he has nothing to do with, while his aura of menace ensures everybody around him has every reason for assuming he did.

Burke is about to turn in when Roger comes hammering at his door.

Imagine your ex comes to your door in the middle of the night with their arm in a sling, smiling like they just won the lottery. You’re either about to be die, or else be wrongly sued.

Roger describes what happened as a “slight accident”.

Burke is clearly quite confused by this, the most content invalid who’s ever lived.

Roger, in what is admittedly a clever way of catching Burke off guard, asks about that business deal Burke invited him to the Blue Whale to discuss in the first place.

This raises more than a few questions, none of which help Burke’s case at all. Roger suggests there was never a business deal and Burke loses his patience.

Dark Shadows makes up for its lack of a Kay Chancellor/Erica Kane type vixen with a balding theater queen and, really, it’s a fair trade.

Back at the Evans house, Sam yells at an off-screen Maggie to go back the sleep before coming full circle and staring at a ringing phone.

It’s his fare-weather temptress, Mr. Wells, ostensibly calling to make sure Maggie is feeling well. Sam objects to the lateness, informing us it’s AFTER MIDNIGHT, which confirms we’ve finally left the Longest Day behind.

He then hangs up the phone and repeats “Idiot” to himself multiple times, which I’m sure doesn’t bode well for the Swells shippers.

Maggie enters from stage right.

Who is that, indeed? The Emancipation of Maggie Evans continues on its appointed course.

This is Maggie’s fifth series appearance. At this point, she still trails wildly beyond fellow age-contemporary female leads Vicky and Carolyn, both of whom had dominated (and in Carolyn’s case at least, driven) story for the first four weeks of the show.

In her last appearance, Kathryn Leigh Scott gave a breakout performance in her character’s first sojourn away from the business end of the diner counter. It seems safe to infer that that performance, in no small part, played a role in a behind-the-scenes transformation for Sam’s dutiful but fiery daughter.

Case in point:

As I mentioned way back in Episode 1, there was a concern that KLS and Alexandra Moltke, both being brunettes, would confuse the audience. This, despite their different facial features, voices, mannerisms, and the fact that one of them opens every single episode by saying her character’s name, while the other is lucky to appear once a week.

In a desperate attempt to calm the lowest common denominator, Kathryn Leigh Scott was made to wear a ridiculous blond wig that stole every scene she was in…

Until the last one.

And now, shorn of her shackles, we see a relaxed, smiling, not-uniformed at all Maggie Evans, letting her natural locks shine.

The regrettable thing is that this scene lacks any of the dramatic fire of her last encounter with her father. Indeed, it comes out that Maggie asked Mr. Wells to call her to “check up” on Sam, presumably following the events of Episode 12. Wells was surprised that Sam answered the phone and made excuses. Sam is now upset that Maggie doesn’t trust her neurotic alcoholic father.

It’s insulting that we as an audience have to put up with this, but it’s nothing on what KLS herself had to deal with.

But don’t worry…Maggie Evans won’t be the only character to be released from the shackles holding her back. Some things just take time.

Maggie admits she was so concerned about her father’s erratic behavior that she worried he’d ditched town.

What I’m saying, is sometimes it’s okay to punch your Dad in the face.

Maggie continues to prove that she is the true audience surrogate on this program by looking off into the distance and declaring, with regard to the dance of death between Sam, Roger and Burke:

Honey, you have no idea.

We return to the Battle of the Titans. Burke has just finished explaining the “business deal” he had in mind for Roger, which seemed to be convincing Liz to sell Burke the Collins properties which, as you may recall, is the entire brunt of Burke’s revenge plan.

What you may also recall, is that Burke brought up the subject to Roger while they were at Collinwood, in fact right before he invited him to town.

It seems verboten for anyone to point out that Burke already made this proposal, perhaps because Art Wallace forgot and was hoping we would to. Maybe reasonable when it’s been a week and a half since you saw it, but our digital age has made exhausted, depressed detectives of us all.

Roger’s objection to the plan, instead, is that Liz would never allow it and he has no power to her, which is also valid.

Especially in the family he blames for ruining his life, but that’s all a coincidence, of course.

Burke is repeatedly implied to have made his money entirely through investment banking, a type of career in which you talk to guys to put money into other peoples’ businesses so you can profit by doing nothing. It’s the exact kind of thing approximately two 2020 candidates are running against, and a large part of the reason my generation will die in poverty.

Kidding, of course, Roger is also begging to be guillotined in some kind of peasant revolution. Judging by the demographics of Collinsport, the villagers might actually have torches and pitchforks.

What Roger actually does is denounce Burke as a liar while sweeping grandly to his feet.

I bet.

Roger quizzes his benighted beloved about his movements following their meeting at Collinwood. Burke claims he went back to his room to get changed, even though I’m pretty sure he’s been wearing the same suit for the entirety of the very, very very long day.

Roger reminds Burke that he is FORGETTING SOMETHING.

And, finally, just over halfway in an episode we’ve been waiting all week for, Roger cuts to the chase and accuses Burke of trying to kill him.

It is something, in the same episode as we have Mark Allen projecting ‘threatening man in alley’ energy onto two young men, we have these two titans of the stage going at it. This is the confrontation we were promised when Carolyn brought Burke to Collinwood in the first place, these two heavyweights duking it on in a set that suddenly seems too small to contain them.

Here, at last, is the tension Vicky is so eager to convince us exists every episode.

Roger outlines all the movements Burke would’ve had to take…removing the suppository, going to the Blue Whale, waiting…the entire thing makes perfect sense as he describes it.

Burke accuses Roger of being “out of his mind”, and then Roger does what he came here to do.

It almost makes all the bullshit worth it.

Burke claims innocence, demands Roger leave, and Roger GOES TO THE TELEPHONE and, without mentioning names, asks presumably Mr. Wells to send the “someone waiting for him” up from the lobby.

Elsewhere, Maggie has to make her pants-shitting father tea in a desperate attempt to shut him up. Sam has told her about Roger’s accident, but lively Maggie can’t give more than a shit.

KLS drops a spoon from the tea tray. We can ascribe this to those things being very heavy, and not everybody having the superior upper body strength of Joan Bennett, but what if I told you there were several people on this set fearing for their lives?

Don’t believe me? Take it up with the source.

But, again, yanno…spoilers until, oh, 15-ish episodes from now.

Sam is futzing around looking for his sketchbook, but Maggie isn’t buying it.

Sam shows her an old sketch he’d done of Collinwood which, in fact, is quite good.

It would be interesting to know who drew the thing, as it’s an excellent likeness of the great house that provides our establishing shots every episode. Sy Tomashoff, naturally, drew the floorplans for all the sets he designed, so it may be that this is his work.

Sam tells Maggie there’s no reason to be frightened of Collinwood, as it’s a “nice, respectable house, filled with nice, respectable…”

There are horrors closer to home.

Maggie begins pouring the tea, which Sam is at first receptive of, until he becomes suspicious of Maggie’s perceived suspicions of him, loudly declares that she must think he’s plotting with Burke to kill Roger (lolwut?) and…

It seems like that might’ve been in the script too, but…uh…yeah, I don’t think so.

Sam blusters that all he intends to do in the morning is paint, at which point things rapidly take a turn for what is supposed to be sweet.

And, really, it could’ve been, showing the titanic temper of Sam Evans can melt away to true paternal affection, that he may, on some level, understands how deeply his long-suffering daughter worries about him.

But the spark KLS caught doesn’t extend to her formidable, blustery, slovenly, sometimes scary costar.

Since we’re wrapped up with the Evanses for now, back to the real daytime drama of the week:

We talk of Kay vs. Jill, of Vicki vs. Dorian, of Monica vs. Tracy, Liz vs. Sam, Kate vs. Sami, but there are very, very few fabulous male rivalries in the annals of daytime history. Most of this is because, indeed, the soap opera is for a female audience but, sadly, it’s also because there are just so few captivating male divas in daytime or, indeed, in general.

There are studly leading men aplenty, heartthrobs and mushes and dastardly villains galore, but it’s very rare you see two great, talented leading men going at it in a true soapy battle of wills. Victor and Jack on The Young and the Restless is the rare male example that has stood the test of time, but even they pale in comparison to the adversarial chemistry between Louis Edmonds and Mitch Ryan as Roger and Burke.

I could watch these two all day, would gladly, in fact, but sadly Roger still insists on parading his trump card:

Burke is thoroughly confused, maybe understanding that this is only Vicky’s second scene in the episode and, arguably, the only one in which she was really needed.

Jesus Christ, you want to go back to 1966 just to give this poor girl a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Sure, it makes sense for Vicky to be apprehensive, nervous, even frightened about having to repeat her story to a man she almost trusts, helping a man she doesn’t know what to think about accuse him of murder.

But it looks like someone just ripped her heart out and ground it to dust.

Indeed.

The two men seem to argue over her, as if she were not even present in the scene. Roger asks Burke when he saw her last:

But not even the stuttery charm of Mitch Ryan can bring an accidental smile to poor Alexandra Moltke’s face.

Vicky’s deflated presence in the scene makes for a milquetoast cap on Roger and Burke’s confrontation. We restate the garage conversation for what feels like the 1,000^th time, the detail of the wrench being bandied about. Burke admits he had a wrench, but that he found it lying on the driver’s seat. Burke again insists Roger leave.

Railroaded, sure. Yep. That’s certainly not a word that’ll have different connotations in the next 50 years.

With some reluctance, these two remember there’s a lady present. Burke gives Vicky some “advice”, repeating his warning to her: Go home, before it’s too late.

We cap off the episode with Roger and Vicky returning to Collinwood, Roger acting like they just came back from an awkward cocktail party.

He might as well be apologizing for the Turkish ambassador’s halitosis.

Vicky wonders again that maybe Burke is innocent, and Roger is wrong to accuse him.

For, indeed, as much as Roger might’ve wanted Vicky to go before…she can’t now. She’s a necessary tool in his crusade against Burke.

Again, not quite a cliffhanger, but it’s fair. It’s the first Friday after the start of a big story. The pieces are set now. All the principles know of Roger’s accident, Burke has been established as the red herring, Sam is running scared, Maggie is suspicious, Carolyn must choose between her love for her uncle and her feelings for Burke (never mind where Joe factors in), and Victoria Winters now finds herself being used as a pawn in a scheme she wants no part in and nobody wants to help her understand, all while the real culprit, a disturbed nine-year-old boy, becomes increasingly desperate to cover up evidence of his wrongdoing.

Should be riveting stuff, right?

Yeah…Should be.

This Day in History- Friday, July 22, 1966

A rally is held in Tienanmen Square. Yes, that Tienanmen Square. Supporters of North Vietnam gather to denounce U.S. “aggression” in the Vietnam War.

Speaking of China, a diplomatic emergency triggered by the mysterious death of a Chinese diplomat sees China holding G.J. Jongejans, a Dutch diplomat in Beijing, under house arrest until the Netherlands allow a group of Chinese engineers to leave the country.

History. When it doesn’t depress: it bores.