Stupid silly Victoria Winters, looking for answers.
It’s unclear why Vicky would think the youngest member of the household, the kid who told her the voices in his head wanted him to send her away, would provide any clues to her quest, but these monologues don’t have to make sense. One might argue that that would defeat the purpose.
David has changed clothes again, following that visuals-appropriate change to lighter clothing in his last appearance.
This is our first look at David’s room, a fairly badass set which, judging by its shape (if not by the location footage) seems to be a literal tower room, a fantastical luxury that David is either too spoiled or too cynical to appreciate.
Naturally, it isn’t really a waxy tablet intended to be inserted into the rectum for the dispensation of medication. You might be forgiven for thinking it’s a fanciful bullet, or perhaps a very large screw. The magical thing about the suppository is that it can be anything you want it to be.
For Dan Curtis and Art Wallace, it is a plot device. And we’re all gonna suffer for it.
Now, whatever the suppository is, it’s hot, and David wants to get rid of it fast…
This, of course, isn’t the first time David has crept into Vicky’s room. It isn’t even the second. You’d think she’d start locking the door.
Let’s take a moment to assess Vicky Winters’s job performance. She’s been at Collinwood for just over 24 hours by now, more or less, and it’s been the same in-universe day for ten episodes, which is pretty insane by soap opera standards.
On her first day on the job, Vicky has considered quitting, gone for a walk, been harassed by the child she’s supposed to be taking care of, had sexual tension with the groundskeeper, gone to town to make a phone call, had coffee and donuts, confronted her employer about the contents of that phone call, gossiped to her employer’s daughter about the donuts guy, gone for a walk again, and watched the groundskeeper choke to near-death.
In none of this has she entertained the notion of doing the job for which she is paid: tutoring the small boy who keeps breaking into her stuff. So maybe we can’t be too sympathetic that he keeps trying to wreck her shit.
Vicky assumes David stole something, and we get the best fight choreography in the history of the daytime soap opera.
Having determined that David has not stolen any of her undergarments, Vicky goes across the hall and demands David unlock his door, accompanied by such time-tested phrases as “Open this door!” and “I’ve had enough of this nonsense from you!”
We’re told that Vicky is very good with children, and this made her an invaluable asset at the foundling home. So either David is superhumanly beyond her power, or somebody lied on their resume.
David doesn’t open his door until Vicky threatens to get Roger who, somehow, is the one man David fears.
David continues to insist he didn’t take anything which, yanno, isn’t a lie.
It’s unclear what dread force possessed her to think this line would work, but she starts telling him she grew up lonely and frightened, as if this kid has given any indication he possesses empathy.
David is so thoroughly convinced that Vicky is just a replacement for his mother that he will have none of this…
Until he, with surpassing cleverness, decides to prove that he wasn’t trying to take something from Vicky’s room, but rather to put something there. A present for her.
He’s even careful to make it clear this isn’t something he would’ve done himself, presumably expecting Vicky to doubt it.
It’s no suppository he presses into her hand, however.
You may recall that David insisted it was a seashell he was hiding behind his back when Liz confronted him back in Episode 10. The clever little bastard has made sure that both his cover stories match up.
Carolyn rightly points out that sounds like bullshit, at which point Vicky rightly points out it’s no more bullshitty than anything Burke told her.
You might recall Carolyn has a date with Joe tonight, leaving it unclear why she put her doily smock nightdress back on.
Joe continues to average his once-a-week appearance by making sure he pays his tab from last night.
Speaking of…
Joe, understandably, doesn’t want any more of what Burke’s selling, but Burke is a dangerously persuasive man…
Clearly feeling like a Big Man, Joe tells Burke he told Liz about his agenda and, like every other instance of this happening…
And fashion show.
Which she always does, but it continues to boggle the mind that Carolyn goddamn Stoddard’s idea of dressing up involves half-sleeves and breast buttons. Vicky manages to look more scandalous by virtue of going sleeveless!
Carolyn bemoans the lack of date night options in Collinsport…
There is that.
Anyway, Carolyn still can’t get her mind off the Devlin.
Sure. Compared to Sam Evans and Mr. Wells, the guy’s practically Adonis.
Maybe that’s why Carolyn’s wardrobe is so conservative! So we can view her desire to change it as being solely influenced by her lust for Burke Devlin! In this way, Burke is not only a manipulative and destructive influence, he is a corrupter of a teenager’s innocence.
So maybe we’re not supposed to root for Burke and Carolyn. Our heroine certainly doesn’t.
And since Vicky is our audience surrogate, does that mean that we’re supposed to find Burke/Carolyn gross and weird?
Vicky happens to believe in the Power of Love, and maintains that Joe’s affection for Carolyn is more than most people (read: herself?) ever get.
Indeed, Victoria is so patently opposed to the idea of Carolyn seeking Burke out that she explicitly tells her where Burke will be tonight.
We chalk up Carolyn’s conflicting motives to her peevish impulsivity, but I think we can safely chalk Vicky’s behavior here to plain stupidity.
Joe comes to the door and Carolyn sends Vicky to answer it while she changes into something less ‘schoolgirlish’, but not scandalous enough to arouse the ire of the ABC censors.
Vicky offers to take Joe’s coat, but it’s not like a house this big has any closets.
There’s this sweet little moment when Vicky and Joe attempt to say the same thing at once, which we can chalk up to Joel Crothers forgetting that Alex Moltke gets the next line.
Because Vicky must have this same conversation with everybody she meets, discussion turns to the topic of ‘spooks’, of the Cowardly Lion variety.
Joe claims to have stopped looking for ghosts in Collinwood when he encountered the ‘flesh and blood’ Carolyn which, by the standards of this show, is very sweet.
So Joe is also the Skeptic. The male equivalent of this trope tends to get more career options than his distaff counterpart. Rather than utter destruction in the face of supernatural, the plucky meat-and-potatoes everyman invariably gets a chance, on some level, to level up and even battle dark forces.
Sexist? Well…this is a horror show. Or so we’ve been told.
The easy nature of Vicky and Joe’s banter, compounded with Vicky’s disapproval of Carolyn dismissing Joe in favor of Burke, might lead the astute soap viewer to assume we’re looking at a Vicky/Joe coupling to serve as the lighter, softer counterpart to the darker, edgier Burke/Carolyn thing.
But this would presume that Dan Curtis and Art Wallace had any idea of, or interest in, making a soap opera.
If I pointed out every time the boom mic lowered into the shot, we’d be here until Manhattan hugs the ocean floor, but I appreciate this shot because the mic seems to be going down the stairs with Carolyn.
Imagine, not being able to see something loudly announcing itself right in front of you.
I’ve neglected to point out, but this episode marks the first Collinsport thunder storm, a weather phenomenon that includes a lot of precisely timed electric flashing and not a drop of rain. At a certain point, these storms become a nightly event, which either adds to the spooky atmosphere or brings up indelible memories of the Scooby Doo opening.
Presently, however, the most apparent effect of the weather is Carolyn has decided to go to Latin Mass.
So, Carolyn wins Joe over on changing their ‘dinner and a movie’ date to the same place where she was almost spanked last night. Vicky had ample time to warn Joe about this before Carolyn and Micy came downstairs, but I guess she didn’t think it was her place.
Or she wants Joe to see Carolyn behaving shamelessly for the Devlin and therefore realize she isn’t worth his time, freeing him up for her, but that’s what would happen on another soap opera, one invested in sex over suppositories.
Continuing weird haunted house shit, remember that locked door? No, not that one, this one…
Vicky, naturally, assumes this is just David tooling around again, but…
The mysterious east wing has been closed off for more than 50 years. David gamefully suggests it was one of the ghosts.
This one seems less like an act of sabotage and more like helpful advice, but either way, Vicky is not convinced. David tries a new tack: another present.
This is 1966, so Vicky’s answer is “Sometimes” instead of “What?”
It’s Mechano Magazine, the journal about ‘building and fixing things’ David was reading at the beginning of the episode.
This is never elaborated on, but I like to believe this means he built the Nipple Raygun Robot himself.
David asks if Vicky likes his father.
That one has to be a lie.
David insists Roger hates him.
For someone who wants to build a bridge with this kid, she sure doesn’t give a damn about anything he says.
David is pleased to inform Vicky that Burke also hates his father. Vicky wonders why David is so fascinated with people hating each other…
I mean…he’s not wrong.
At the Blue Whale, Burke is waiting for his meeting with Roger. Carolyn is here knowing this. Joe is a hostage.
Carolyn, in this latest display of shamelessness, spots Burke and makes this face.
In a testament to either his faith or his stupidity, Joe is surprised when Carolyn abruptly suggests they invite the man he only knows as her family’s sworn enemy to dine with them.
None of this is anything that wasn’t explicitly spelled out to us ten minutes ago. In fact, the most striking thing to happen in this scene is the introduction of ‘No. 1 At the Blue Whale’, the third original Blue Whale juke tune, the slowest…
It’s nostalgic, it’s sad, loving and wistful. Certainly my favorite track on the show. I’m hard-pressed to name a signal piece of music on any soap in the last twenty years that serves its purpose as well.
But, as with all such comparisons, that’s like holding a Matisse against a Neolithic cave painting. It’s just that art has evolved in the last 10,000 years while the daytime soap has regressed to sub-infancy within fifty.
Carolyn invites Burke to join them, while Joe no doubt puts on his best ‘carp struggling for air’ impression.
Lies. It’s well known that ‘fifth wheel’ is what he calls his penis.
To his credit, Joe seems to be grasping that this was all a set-up.
Dark Shadows can be many things, but it really is at its best as a precursor to the multi-camera sitcom.
Certainly better than watching the world’s worse child pathologist play Making a Murderer.
Joni Mitchell’s husband made a similar dismissive comment when she showed him the first draft of Both Sides Now, but she ended up with a Grammy and he barely ranks as folk music’s Ike Turner.
Either way, Vicky seems to think she’s making good progress with David, because she suggests getting him a present of his own.
David is understandably not thrilled about the prospect of gift-wrapped magazines, but he seems more startled by the idea of his father heading out tonight.
At which point, David shuts down any further questions and shuts himself back up in his room. You’d think Vicky, who was earlier willing to fight to the death with this kid might have questions, but alas.
This Day in History- Thursday, July 14, 1966
Speaking of Making Murderers, this day marked the notorious rampage of mass murderer Richard Speck, who tied up and strangled eight of nine residents of a nurses’ dorm in South Chicago.
Speck would be captured on Sunday, the police on the alert thanks to the sole surviving nurse, Final Girl Corazon Amurao, who escaped death by hiding under the bed, proving that maybe sometimes movies are right.
In the parlance of modern journalism, Speck was a ‘handsome’ and ‘soft-looking’ murderer, who likely would be played by a heartthrob in the Netflix true crime docudrama, because homicide is sexy now.
And, yes, the nurse murders in the first season of American Horror Story were ripped wholesale from this thing. Also, something from Mindhunter.
Also on this day, LOST leading man Matthew Fox was born, notable only because I hadn’t realized he was only a few weeks younger than J.J. Abrams.
Kooks of Collinwood 