We’re all playing the waiting game, aren’t we? Waiting for things to play out, to turn one way or another…even if you’ve got no hangups or ambitions, you are at the very least waiting to die, amirite?
Victoria Winters is waiting for the “secrets of the past” to open for her, but she knows she’ll have to wait a long time.
There are others at Collinwood too…secret-keepers rather than secret seekers.
Why did Elizabeth hire Victoria in the first place? Why does she keep changing her story? What is the nature of the locked door in the basement? Is there more to the story about her never leaving her house?
Why is Roger so frightened of Burke? Why did he return to Collinwood with his son? What is the truth of the hatred he and David have for each other?
Alone among the Collins family, secret-wise, is Carolyn. She’s a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, often to her detriment.
She makes no secret of her reluctance to marry her boyfriend. She gleefully announces her plans to ingratiate herself with a sworn enemy of her family. And she wastes no time confessing to her friend of all-of-a-day just how frightened she really is.
But not, as we’ve seen, frightened enough to stay away from the lion’s den.
You might remember Carolyn getting a lift into town with Bill Malloy, even though Vicky had already returned with her car. Was she hedging on getting a lift back with Burke the entire time?
She may be susceptible to laughably paper-thin set-ups, but Carolyn must be possessed of some kind of brain.
Or else she wasn’t thinking at all and this is all a coincidence. That might also be true.
Highlight: Liz asks where Carolyn met Mr. Devlin, and Burke casually says “my hotel room”.
It’s impossible for Carolyn not to have known her meeting Burke, much less bringing him home with her would’ve caused chaos. Like she said before…
Burke’s plan, sketchy though it may be, so far seems to be going unimpeded. We know he wants revenge.
We’re not entirely sure how he plans to get it, but so far he hasn’t encountered a single obstacle. Vicky has been cordial, if cautious, Sam is belligerent, yet seemingly helpless against him, and Carolyn is eating out of the palm of his hand.
The one chance Roger had to go toe-to-toe with him earlier ended like this:
And Burke none the wiser.
But now, at last, there is no choice but for Burke to clash with the targets of his fury: the people hiding in the great house on the hill. And even this is all on his own terms.
Now, Liz could turn Burke’s ass out onto the street, but she has been quite clear that she intends not to take aggressive action against Burke until he does something first. Everyone she’s brought this plan to (detail: both of them are men) thought the idea ridiculous out of hand, but perhaps a woman’s caution is just what we need to deal with this walking pastiche of 1960s masculinity?
Liz attempts to get Carolyn to wait while she talks to Burke in the drawing room, but Carolyn’s got this far, so…
Who could forget those paneled walls?
Liz starts fishing for information. Burke is rich now, right?
Modesty? You’ve suffered this guy long enough to know he thinks that’s an exotic rash.
Burke doesn’t call himself rich because he doesn’t feel rich, and won’t feel so until he’s succeeded in his goals.
Conversation turns to Roger, with Burke outright telling Liz that Carolyn described Roger as afraid of him.
No, I think it’s fairly borne out by the evidence.
Carolyn repeats her naive hope that by seeing Burke she could somehow “smooth things over”.
Which she doesn’t, but it’s not like anybody in this household ever tells anybody anything anyway, so we can’t get too pressed at Carolyn for that.
Anyway, Carolyn insists, it’s fine! Burke will be gone in a few days anyway, because…
Imagine you’re Liz Stoddard. Your daughter who, to put it kindly, has a wanderer’s heart, has just brought your brother’s sworn enemy to the doorstep. She describes meeting him in his hotel room, and now you’re off-handedly learning that she and him have ‘promises’ and secrets between them.
And, somehow, you don’t lose your shit.
Liz does eventually manage to get rid of Carolyn, sending her off to make a drink.
18-year celibate trumps 17-year-old virgin. It’s science.
Missing that location footage?
After going almost a whole week’s worth without mopey, dolorous whining, it seems we’re overdue.
Sam Evans is not only a miserable drunk. He’s also the synthesis of every asshole you ever shared an English class with. Next thing you know, he’ll be quoting Harold Bloom and dismissing Toni Morrison as ‘crowd-pleasing’.
The desk clerk he’s harassing is Mr. Wells, the same man Burke utterly wrecked in the first episode. Like Wilbur Strake and Mrs. Hopewell, he’s got enough second wind in him to make it past the pilot, but not that much.
Mostly.
Sam wants to see Maggie, but she’s on a break.
Sam might be taller and broader than Burke, but Wells can stand up to him in a way he hadn’t a chance with the Devlin.
Wells points out Sam’s breath reeks.
Wells, a martyr for a good cause, tries to keep Sam going off to get plastered at the Blue Whale, at the same time preventing us from transcending.
Sam’s rejection of the black gold tells us that he’s tall everywhere but where it counts.
Free, unsolicited, and served with a smarmy smile: the Sam Evans way.
Wells isn’t buying the free stuff, though, and Sam is forced to be very frank with him:
But Wells knows there is one foolproof way to get somebody to sit down and shut up in Collinsport:
One act break later…
Five seconds and he’s acting like an addict looking for a fix. Wells is even force-feeding him coffee to sober him up!
What a strange piece of dialog for a bit character to have on a show like this. Did Art Wallace lose a commercial-writing job to some other guy and was this his way of getting revenge?
Because coffee ads were in the top three varieties of commercial to air during a soap opera in 1966, up there with, yanno, soap and, like, inappropriately strong cold medication. So it’s very likely this line is at least a pastiche of a slogan from a contemporary ad that would’ve aired in Dark Shadows‘s timeslot.
No. But it’s possible Wells wants to give him a humdinger of a UTI.
We resume the time-honored system of one character telling another character something about Burke Devlin.
I know Sam is drunk and incoherent, but it’s something he suspects Burke is the kind of guy who makes ‘appointments’ with teenage girls.
This is more of the same, recapping stuff that happened just last episode, from the POV of a guy who wasn’t even there. What makes it entertaining is Mark Allen keeps stepping on Conrad Bain’s lines, giving the impression he is just as lost as his character.
So Wells concludes that Burke and Carolyn, now “very friendly”, went up to Collinwood. Sam isn’t sold.
His faith in Carolyn is touching, but woefully misplaced. Also, in-universe reference to Carolyn being a child. Sure, it comes from the character Most Likely to Terrify Schoolgirls Under the Overpass, but at least we have it on the record.
So, Carolyn fetched Burke that drink during the commercial break, denying us that Liz/Burke confrontation for now. Instead, Liz pulls Carolyn away to rip her a new one.
But Liz gets right to business: What did Carolyn mean when she spoke about Burke leaving? And so Carolyn tells her all about the Great Venezuelan Caper.
Art Wallace either thinks himself very clever, or us very stupid.
So Carolyn tells Liz all about the phone call too. Big Mama doesn’t seem to buy it, though, so points.
Anyone who’s ever been in a Psych class, or else dated a certain type of person, knows that Burke intended Carolyn to tell as many people about the Venezuela thing as possible. It’s the only reason he told her not to tell anybody.
But can he count on the rest of the Collinses to be as easily won over as Carolyn?
Back with the odd-couple:
The spin-off I never knew I needed.
Wells tries to convince Sam to keep waiting for Maggie and not go get wasted on Mount Parnassus.
Sam then feels around those ill-fitting parachute pants he’s wearing for a dime to make a phone call. Wells lends him one, proving both his kindness and his rank stupidity.
After being made to watch someone make a phone call again…
Sam wants to speak to Roger, who apparently isn’t around, even though he came back home last episode. We know this is because they can only have so many actors at a time, but maybe Liz just didn’t want to be assed summoning Roger while the Devlin was in the next room.
You’ve got to love the energy that dictated the entire B-story this episode was an alcoholic very slowly confirming that somebody did, in fact, go somewhere.
Monday episodes, yanno. At least they bothered to follow-up on the Friday cliffhanger. Nowadays, it’s a crapshoot whether you’ll even see any of the same characters after the weekend, the casts are so bloated.
So Sam has a minor stroke and hangs up.
I wish I could say that was just a transitory aside, but no, he has been admiring the paintings, and you would not believe me if I told you these paintings factor in no-small-way into his nebulous scheme.
Liz, likewise, seems to have some respect for Burke, which is a nice change from everyone either running from him in fear or acting like he’s the Second Coming. She’s not frightened of him, but she’s not gonna let him walk all over her either.
Smooth as ice. Black ice.
Liz informs Mr. Venture Capitalist that Collinwood is not for sale.
If you are at all familiar with horror fiction, you might be familiar with the venture capitalist who purchases the haunted establishment and is promptly punished for his hubris by the undead denizens of the house.
It’s a familiar enough notion that American Horror Story has used it in not one, but three seasons of its gay variety show.
The idea is the opposite end of, say, a pure, virginal girl or a young couple being tormented by sadistic ghosts. You’re supposed to empathize with them, and pity them and all the rest.
But an amoral, sleezy charmer whose greed is manifestly clear… Well, you want to see the ghosts throw his shit into the fireplace and break all the mirrors.
Is that where they’re going? Will Burke’s vengeance succeed, only for him to be driven to madness (or worse) by the “famous ghosts of Collinwood”?
Heh. Er…
How many variations of “five actors an episode” do you people need to hear?
Continuing this riveting story of betrayal, we learn that Sam did go to the bar after making that phone call.
But at least he remembered his debts.
Wells asks if there’s anything he can do to help whatever self-pitying vortex Sam is caught in.
Pure poetry. Conflict, good intentions, bad, genuine wellsprings of emotions… This is why we watch daytime!
Fire everybody else. This is the show I never knew I needed.
#relatable
Sam reveals that Burke is, indeed, at Collinwood.
Sam really does have little faith in his longevity as a character on this show. Maybe that’s why he keeps drinking.
So Mark Allen keeps making Wacky Faces.
Basically: Here Lies Squidward’s Hopes and Dreams. What a baby.
Burke, on the other hand, claims to have embraced who he was in order to become who he is. And who he was was an urchin living in a seaside shack.
Yanno. Maine stuff.
Burke’s plans to escape his Dickensian youth were waylaid by…well, that thing that happened that everybody keeps referring to but nobody has yet described.
See? She’s been moved past the point of tears.
Burke claims to have broadened his understanding since getting out of prison. It’s not just wealth he’s accumulated, you see, but wisdom.
Burke claims he has no desire for vengeance now that he’s back in the world.
It’s absolutely important Carolyn gets her mother’s blessing before the Devlining.
Anyway…
It’s entirely possible Carolyn isn’t looking at this thing with Burke as a sex thing, despite her repeated references to his good looks and charm, but it is odd that she’s telling Joe everything is coming up roses now.
Joe is calling, by the by, because he and Carolyn have a date tonight.
Was there something else to do in July ’66?
Liz comes back…
It’s a good thing this is a fairly Puritanical program or else Carolyn would totally be calling out Burke’s name as Joe finishes.
Liz asks Carolyn to go out on the grounds and find Roger because it’s about damn time those two lovebirds sorted out their shit.
Honey, a bit of gay energy never hurt a soul.
This Day in History- Monday, July 11, 1966
Fun fact, not on this day, but Dark Shadows, at the start, filmed two weeks in advance. Because of this, Episode 11, filmed on June 27, was the first episode shot while the show was on the air.
Also interesting to note: Week 3 of Dark Shadows runs from July 11th to 15th, making the one time in the entire series run when the episode air dates correspond with the episode numbers.
Angus Barbieri of Scotland broke a non-solids diet for the first time since June 1965, having lost 300 pounds. The Guinness Book of World Records credits him as “longest to survive without food”.
Maybe don’t try that at home.
The 1966 World Cup began today with England and Uruguay playing to a 0-0 tie, further codifying that I will never understand sports.
Kooks of Collinwood 
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