Deus ex Stupidito

This Friday, Vicky reminds us that she shouldn’t be afraid, no matter how much this great house stinks. Specifically, of fear.

Art Wallace really does shine through these monologues, doesn’t he? Lots of the same purple prose that the characters say in-episode makes much more sense as the protagonist’s distant musing.

Vicky’s monologue is the first instance of the show drawing attention to Collinwood’s paneled walls. If this doesn’t seem important to you, that’s probably because it isn’t, but Dark Shadows is very proud of the paneled walls of the Collinwood set and would like you to notice.

Again, compared to the cardboard living rooms and hospital exam areas common to soap opera set design at the time (And, hell, now: just tune into Days of Our Lives on NBC; seriously, they could use the boost), Sy Tomashoff and his team were doing God’s work here, so it’s no sin to be proud.

Also unusual for soaps of any period: cinematography beyond stationary cameras and the very sparing close up. Lela Swift, a groundbreaker for women in her field, has directed every episode of the series to date, and will go on in the tradition, directing more than half of Dark Shadows‘s run. Her style is clean, professional, and many times beautiful.

She was also a Grade A ballbuster, and I stan her for it. Seriously, check the research.

You’re probably wondering why David has changed clothes. Given the airtight continuity of the show so far, it’s odd that he isn’t wearing the same outfit he had on in his last appearance, which was ‘this morning’ in-universe.

It’s the same day, well, closer to evening now, but David’s still changed his wardrobe. Oversight? No, actually.

But we’ll get to that.

The phone rings. Liz assures Vicky she’ll get it, because this is the first episode without Alexandra Moltke.

It’s not unusual. In fact, Vicky is the last of the regulars to clock a series absence. The first was Joan Bennett, and of course Nancy Barrett wasn’t even in the first episode.

Expect it to get even more usual, as Dark Shadows gradually realizes it has outgrown its protagonist. But that won’t be for a long time yet.

It’s Roger on the phone. He wants to talk to Vicky.

It’s no surprise what Roger wants to talk about. Last time we saw him, he was having a conniption fit over Vicky sharing donuts with his ex/arch-nemesis. Clearly, it’s time for another round of the Inquisition.

Liz then demonstrates her clairvoyance.

Looking off into the distance, again, is Joan Bennett’s speciality, which is odd given she was wretchedly near-sighted her entire time on this show.

Remember that teacup from last time? Well, David seems pretty guilty about it. So far, most everything odd at Collinwood is David’s fault. The weird opening doors in the first week? David. Vicky’s letter moving around her room? David. About the only thing he doesn’t have a hand in is the crying ghost, but we’re not even gonna be talking about that for a long while yet, so forget it.

And yet…

Again, this same damn thing happened on Harper’s Island in the spring of 2009.

So David claims the ghosts of Collinwood are breaking china for no reason, just as he claimed ‘The Widows’ told him to wreck Vicky’s shit.

Since Liz has lived in this house her entire life, and yet seems to be the least superstitious or susceptible member of the household does shed some doubt on this claim.

The art of conversation is alive and well in Collinwood.

And the art of con-versation, remains alive and well in Collinsport.

Speaking of set design, this is Burke’s room at the Collinsport Inn. Given all the money he made doing Who the Hell Knows, he’s basically renting a three room apartment. There’s a little kitchenette off to the side, there. Presumably, that door Burke is coming out of is a bedroom. This begs the question of where the bathroom is, if he truly only has three rooms?

You might think he’s speaking to Carolyn Stoddard up there. We know she called him on the hotel phone, and her impending meeting with him is destined to be the most meaningful human encounter of her life.

However, what Burke is actually doing is telling a hotel clerk, possibly the same man he destroyed back in the first episode, to call him for an important meeting in half an hour. What could it be? Will we finally get more clues as to just how Burke’s plot is going to work?

I took an acting class in college (yes, yes, I know, shut up), and one of our exercises was to silently act out (the correct word is pantomime) an ordinary routine from everyday experience. I mimed preparing coffee, setting the routine to Carly Simon’s ‘Coming Around Again’.

Burke Devlin must’ve had my professor. In a sequence that goes on for approximately 90 seconds, he…

Something so tedious and drawn out can’t be an accident, right? Surely, there’s some kind of payoff for all that?

Well…yeah. I guess.

Viewers of American Horror Story will be forgiven for thinking we’re two minutes from Carolyn getting violently mutilated to a Fleetwood Mac song.

Also, that show had a whole season about vampires and not a single fleeting reference to this show? But Son of the Shiek is an integral part of the mythos.

Burke is more or less right on the money here. Carolyn all but admitted that the sensation of his arrival is the most thrilling thing she’s ever experienced. He’s a novelty attraction to her.

Does this imply that Burke is fully aware that Carolyn’s fascination with him extends to lust? Could it be that he was even hoping for that, and that’s the only reason for…

But that would mean ascribing heinously manipulative traits to the guy this show keeps selling us as the leading man! Surely, the daytime television audience of 1966 wasn’t going to accomodate…

Burke sees Carolyn comfortably seated on the sofa, rather than the armchair. He offers to prepare her a drink and Carolyn, wisely for the first time, declines.

Remember how Carolyn got all pissy at Vicky for not immediately interrogating her mother about the foundling home stuff? Well, give her a point for consistency. She wastes no time…

Also, consider Carolyn’s assertion from last episode that she might be able to help by seeing Burke. How does telling him her uncle is terrified of him help anybody? Was Carolyn just saying that before to seem less self-serving or is she really this much of an idiot?

This is obvious brazen flattery meant to butter her up. Surely, she won’t fall for it?

Indeed, Carolyn seems to sense Burke is deflecting by saying Roger has no reason to fear him. Burke then diagnoses Carolyn with a hero complex.

The opposite argument to this would be that if someone looked like they were drowning, helping them would still be a worthwhile and socially beneficial deed, because doing good is rewarding regardless of outcome.

Unless the person in the story doesn’t look like they’re drowning, and you’d be diving into the lake to save a happy-go-lucky swimmer. It’s unclear if Carolyn is that stupid, but Burke definitely thinks she is.

Burke excuses himself to make a drink and, as if to evidence just how thoroughly he’s won her over, Carolyn asks for one too.

At least it’s not booze. But if a man like Burke Devlin was making sure his mini fridge was equipped with ginger ale, it could only be because he was planning to entertain underage girls.

Carolyn’s turn for acting class!

Burke pretends he hasn’t seen anything, of course. Noting Carolyn admiring the view from his window, he says:

How nice. Main Streetsplaining.

Still determined not to let Carolyn get a word in edgewise (not that she seems to mind), Burke tells her about his childhood ‘fortune’, collected by scavenging bottles from the beach, making 40 cents in five hours, which, in 2019 money…

Aw, screw it, I’m not in the mood to depress myself.

Though, it’s possible Burke was a child during the Depression…

Possibly also not wanting to think about how she hadn’t even been conceived when Burke was a child, Carolyn springs this onto him…

The paper she read, you see, attests a $500,000 business deal in Venezuela. But the money won’t be Burke’s unless he leaves in ‘a day or two’, which is fairly strange verbiage for a business document, but that isn’t the fishiest thing about all this.

A crash course on history for those of you whose only exposure to the nation of Venezuela is panicked Facebook posts by your kind of racist uncle: Venezuela was once a hub for CAPITALIST BUSINESS, owing primarily to its font of oil wells, the richest on the South American continent.

It is frequently implied, once shown, and yet never fully discussed, but Burke’s fortune comes from speculating in oil. He mentioned to Joe back in Episode 3 that the conversation that paved the way to his fortune occurred in Uruguay, so he must frequently do business with South American nations.

You know what will be fully explained? What a clever mothershucker Burke thinks he is.

Yanno, the mail he left very deliberately back on the sofa, which he then directed her to sit on, and left her alone long enough to read?

Burke tells Carolyn he’d like her to forget she saw that letter.

You see, how could Burke intend to make trouble in Collinsport if he must be gone in a few days to get oil money? Why, it so perfectly dashes all Roger’s suspicions and so neatly vindicates Burke that it might all be a ruse designed for just that purpose!

But, such devilry, of course, is far beyond the upstanding citizen that is Burke Devlin.

Anyway, LOOK AT THIS AWESOME ROBOT

So, David isn’t entirely full of strange ghostly mischief. He plays with lame ’60s toys too.

But this brief reprieve is just that, for at that very moment…

David wastes no time hiding his Nipple Gun Robot, presumably because Roger would totally want it for himself.

God, I love Roger Collins so much.

Liz eventually responds to Roger’s admittedly not very loud calling and clocks him for pouring another drink.

One. Yes. Certainly.

Roger then repeats his intention to corner Vicky, who is off-screen in her room somewhere, and question her about her tete-a-tete with Burke Devlin which if, of course, news to Liz, who thought Vicky only went into town to call the foundling home to check up on Liz’s story about Vicky being recommended to Roger by a person at the foundling home whose name nobody knows.

Roger insists Burke will use Vicky to destroy the Collins family.

Further confirmation that whatever secrets Liz does know about Victoria are completely a mystery to Roger.

Roger insists David doesn’t even need a governess. The sensible reason would be “Because it’s 1966,” but that isn’t what Roger goes with.

Well, shit.

Liz, continuing to prove she is perhaps the one resident of this house with any kind of conscience or good sense (weird motives notwithstanding), rebukes Roger, and we get some backstory stuff that, believe it or not, remains mostly consistent throughout the show, except for one or two things.

So, after the thing happened with Burke, Liz sent Roger away from Collinwood and sent him an allowance. At the time, he was clear that he would never come back. Liz maintains she wouldn’t have let Roger come back at all if it weren’t for David.

This adds some context to Liz’s comments back in Episode 1, when she suggests Roger is the mistakenly invited guest, not Vicky, and implies she can toss him out whenever she wants.

So Liz leaves and it’s time for Roger to get scared the fuck off by a robot.

You can see David Henesy’s hand moving away from the toy after activating it, but of course we’re supposed to believe Nipple Rays went off by accident.

So, now it’s time for our first father and son interaction.

Healthy communication.

David is quite relieved to have overheard Liz’s defense of him. He knows she has the powah around here, because she told him this. His father, by comparison, is an impotent choad.

#owned

Well then.

Roger who, apparently, has never heard this damning line of attack before, moves to Parenting Damage Control Tactic Number 1.

Gaslighting.

Roger demands to know how much more David remembers hearing about Burke, but David claims just his name.

Enter a responsible adult.

Liz comforts David and sends him to his room, at which point David proves he is, despite everything, his father’s son.

Yes, queen.

Well, now that that domestic dispute has been settled, now it’s time for something completely wholesome:

Carolyn politely declines another ginger ale (“One is all I can handle.”) and asks Burke whether he was really once friends with Unca Roger. She doesn’t remember him coming to the house.

Recall that Carolyn would have been about 7 when the Burke stuff went down ten years ago. They occasionally attempt to handwave why Carolyn has no cogent memory of the scandal at all, usually boiling down to her being “too young”, which almost works, but not 100%. Constantly neglected is the all-purpose explanation that Carolyn Isn’t Very Bright and unlikely to remember things like that.

Burke guesses Carolyn is only still curious because she believes, despite everything, that he still has something nefarious up his sleeve. If only there were some foolproof way to convince her, perhaps some Deus ex…OH, IS THAT THE PHONE RINGING?

Burke picks up the phone, claims it’s “Long Distance. Venezuela”. Does this…

And then carries on a one-sided conversation with an imaginary ‘Jose’ (I swear to God) in which he confirms he “got his letter”…

He even confirms that there’s “nothing holding him down here”. What a convenient and timely prompt, executed exactly at the moment Carolyn was wondering the same thing. Surely, it’s a bit too on the nose for our intrepid heroine to…

Burke concludes the ‘phone call’ criminally pleased with himself.

Burke, proceeds, in the manner of a comic book super villain, to describe his plan to Carolyn, while thinly concealing it was a plan at all.

Which, of course, allows Carolyn to explain the exact reason Burke left the letter there as if it were her own idea. This, apparently, is enough to get her to dismiss that Burke had any nefarious intentions in mind at all, because what kind of mastermind lets his idiotic victim describe his evil plan to his face after the plan has already concluded?

Seriously, this should not be working as well as it is.

How does she, indeed?

We know that that call was the same one Burke called the front desk for back at the beginning. It does raise the question of what the poor desk clerk thought when Burke answered the call and promptly hung up. There are other big questions posed by this plan, of course.

1. Is there really a $500,000 deal in Venezuela?
2. If there is, is Burke so set on revenge that he’s throwing away that kind of money?
3. If there isn’t, did Burke produce a fake letter for the sole purpose of fooling people via elementary sleight of hand?
4. If Burke produced a whole story to back this letter up in advance, why couldn’t he think of a better Hispanic name than ‘Jose’?”

One way or another, the phone call is the clincher. If Carolyn can confirm that Burke arranged the call, his entire ruse falls apart and she knows him for a manipulative liar.

Which is why Burke invites her to do just that. This becomes the last nail in the coffin of Carolyn’s wounded pride. Like so many victims of gaslighting (themes?) before her, Carolyn feels to test the theory would only make her look like an idiot which, as we already know, is something she already feels herself to be.

What a piece of shit.

I will point out, it is kind of funny seeing Carolyn fall for all this garbage, no matter how blatantly transparent it is, and how full-of-himself Burke is about it. It’s certainly played for laughs.

But there remains an ugly undertone to it. He’s playing on this young girl’s emotions, making her feel bad, and insulting her intelligence so that she feels to question what she has been told will make her look stupid. So she buys everything he tells her, now too embarrassed to question his motives again.

And just like that, she’s his.

Back at Collinwood, they’re forcing Joan Bennett to talk in her sleep.

She doesn’t bother to say this convincingly. They should be lucky they got her to say it at all.

But if there are no ghosts…how do you explain this?

Yes. People sure did talk like that in 1966.

See, this is why David changed clothes. Not for an in-universe reason, but because we needed to be able to see how dirty he was, and the dark shirt from Episode 6 wasn’t sufficient.

Liz has more questions, in particular about the strange thing in David’s hand, but all he wants to know about is where the ghosts are?

David insists the thing he’s holding is “just a seashell” and then runs away as is his wont.

Carolyn’s back. And she brought a friend.

It might be our second Friday cliffhanger, but this is the first one that feels like a cliffhanger. For 10 episodes, the whole world has revolved around Burke Devlin, who he is, and what he wants. Now, at last, he’s come to Collinwood and we might finally get some answers.

Until then…

This Day in History- Friday, July 8, 1966

Nothing about Venezuela, sorry.

While vacationing in Europe, King Mwambutsa IV Burundi was deposed by his 18-year-old son. The new king would be deposed five months later by the guy who helped him overthrow his father. His ex-accomplice would then name himself first President of Burundi. All in all, more soapy than much of the next five months on Dark Shadows.

The Prime Ministers of England and France conclude a meeting on the future of the subterranean roadway that would become the Channel Tunnel (Chunnel), linking the two nations.