Ground Rules for Marrying My Daughter

So I know you’re very excited to find out how Victoria’s phone call went, but put that on hold for a sec…

It’s stuff like that that keeps you tuning into this show. We might be using call waiting for cliffhangers, but it’s all cool because the devils of a forgotten time are lurking around somewhere, and we’d like to see what’s up with that.

So we’re back at Collinwood and Vicky’s window keeps opening up.

Lest we believe Elizabeth is being entirely altruistic here, the good woman wastes no time reading the new governess’s mail.

Carolyn shows up and the two have a polite discussion about what a miserable life poor orphan trash Victoria had.

Carolyn decides to further Vicky’s own investigation and asks why Liz hired her, and if you deluded yourself into thinking we were going to get an answer to that…

Carolyn keeps trying. Why couldn’t Liz hire a girl from Bangor? Or Lewiston?

Elizabeth then repeats the story that (deep breath) Victoria was recommended to Roger by somebody he knew at the foundling home whose name Elizabeth never got so please stop asking questions.

As if challenging us to wonder whose side she’s on, Carolyn tells Elizabeth that she thinks Vicky doesn’t believe that story, and that she thinks Victoria went into town to call the foundling home. Now, Carolyn expressly gave Vicky her car keys so that she could make this errand, so it’s suddenly hard to believe Carolyn has no inkling what Victoria intends. But, then, why would she tell her mother about the whole thing?

Speaking of Victoria, she’s finally got through to Ms. Hopewell!

The razor-eyed viewer will note that Ms. Hopewell appears to be wearing the same unflattering collar-thing she had on in her last appearance in Episode 1.

I guess they didn’t want to budget too much for costumes for a bit player, but it’s also likely running a hive of festering orphan children doesn’t give one much time to change servitor’s smocks.

Take a moment to consider that Elizabeth, besides coming up with some phony cover story she didn’t bother to clear with her brother beforehand, never thought Victoria might try to contact the one person who could, without a doubt, poke a mortal hole in the narrative.

We aren’t even five minutes into the episode, and Ms. Hopewell has already reaffirmed:

• She never heard of Elizabeth or Collinsport before the letter came…
• She never heard of Roger…
• …until recently

Turns out that Mrs. Hopewell also felt that something was fishy and made ‘inquiries’ with some unknown woman in Bangor who told her everything she needed to know.

“You in danger, girl.”

In Mrs. Hopewell’s defense, it can’t be easy to act out being on the phone, but if her eyes bug any further out of her head, we’ll have a medical emergency on our hands.

So Elizabeth’s story has now fallen apart gloriously, and it only took one phone call.

Suffocatingly so.

Once you get over the shock of that stunning revelation, you begin to remember we’re only 4 minutes in, and Joe Haskell is coming over to Collinwood to tell Carolyn something.

Carolyn doesn’t understand why Elizabeth is so torn up about this phone call business.

I guess when you spend 18 years in self-imposed isolation, little variables like that give you hives.

We then get the first semi-title drop of the series run. Elizabeth suggests she shouldn’t have brought Victoria to Collinwood because she’s “lost and lonely…”

Sure, that sounds nice, but you end up wondering just what that’s supposed to mean. That Victoria is curious, we suppose, looking into the shadows of her past. But if these people didn’t want her to be curious, they’ve done a pretty damn bad job dissuading her, haven’t they?

Carolyn doesn’t want Vicky sent away.

So more contrasts…subdued, resolute, solemn Victoria finds herself drawn to shadows, while bright, carefree, would-be free spirit Carolyn constantly tries to escape them.

There’s something wholesome about how attached Carolyn has gotten to Victoria in such a short space of time. Could it be that she’s never actually had a friend before?

So, because it’ll be important this episode, here’s a refresher on the Carolyn and Joe thing…

• Carolyn wants out of Collinwood because it’s a prison.
• Elizabeth wants Carolyn out of Collinwood because she wants the prison to herself.
• Joe is in love with Carolyn and wants to marry her.
• Elizabeth is in love with the idea of Mrs. Carolyn Haskell and wants the marriage to happen so Carolyn can prison-break her way from Collinwood.
• Carolyn doesn’t want to get married.

Some plans get wrecked with phone calls, some get wrecked by Women’s Lib.

Not that Carolyn’s reluctance to marriage is portrayed as her preferring a life of independence. We must be careful never to ascribe such radical notions to Art Wallace here.

Carolyn’s attitudes toward marriage, more often than not, is portrayed as a willful childishness, an immaturity, something that needs correcting…

Anyway, knock at the door and look! It’s good ol’ Joe, coming in from the cold vacuum of space.

Eventually, they’ll put some trees and things out there, but for now, Collinwood might as well be floating in a void.

So our exposure to Joe Haskell so far has been limited to a few things…

But, for all that…

Today, we learn even more redeemable things about this patented Nice Guy.

He’s an absolute doll.

When you think about the other male characters on offer at the moment…

He seems a total anomaly! Look, he even put on a suit to visit his girl and her mother. He’s no slob.

He even brought flowers!

The Language of Flowers is a Victorian index of the various meanings ascribed to different flowers, most commonly referenced then so that a suitor knew just what his fragrent gift was meant to mean, and most referenced now as a means for us homosexuals to identify each other at cocktail parties.

Yellow roses, in the Language of Flowers, mean: ‘exuberance, joy, friendship and caring’ or, alternately, ‘jealousy and infidelity’.

So either Joe is pleased just being Carolyn’s friend, or he’s jealous nobody wants to spank him.

Carolyn points out she gave up whatever ambiguous plans she had back in Episode 6 to hang around here waiting for him, so he can at least cut to the chase.

Joe’s been promoted from the boats to a desk job, including a $25-a-week raise, which…give me a moment…is $197.96, on top of whatever he was already making.

So pretty good? Carolyn gives him one of those breathy little gasps she usually reserves for Uncle Roger’s kisses, and then we get our first ‘couple shot’.

So soap operas…they kind of depend on love stories, right? You’ve got your Luke and Laura, your Victor and Nikki, Cruz and Eden, John and Marlena…

In the public consciousness, soaps are inseparable from romance.

But Dark Shadows isn’t like other soaps. We get romance on the show, sure, but it’s never particularly romantic, even by the spank-happy standards of 1966.

I mean, Joel Crothers plays Joe to a T as the puppy-dog good guy, hardworking and hopelessly in love, and Nancy Barrett’s been killing since Day 1 (well, Day 2) as the dreamy, rebellious, hopeless romantic Carolyn, and it seems we have the makings of a fun summer romance, the kind of thing teenage girls home from school might look forward to tuning into after a long day of rollerblading and British Invading and what have you.

But a romance isn’t interesting without obstacles. Usually, this is accomplished by inserting a rival into the mix to create a love triangle, a narrative device so tried and true you just know the Neolithic cultures of the Fertile Crescent were drawing them around the campfire.

Or maybe there’s something else! Maybe Person A’s parents don’t approve of Person B. Maybe they come from the loins of warring houses. Perhaps she wants to be with him, but she just learned she’s pregnant with Person C’s child!

Joe and Carolyn will get at least one of those things pretty soon…

And that carries a whole slew of narrative (and moral) questions of its own, but for now the prominent obstacle to Joe and Carolyn’s love isn’t parents. Elizabeth is eager to see them married! It’s not money, not anymore… Joe’s promotion will make it even easier for them to settle down.

That’s not even a problem! Joe decides to name his new boat ‘idiot’ in her honor.

Hell, even calling your girl ‘idiot’ as a pet name isn’t that bad in a universe where the other most viable option casually threatens public spanking.

The problem isn’t even a lack of love or affection!

The problem comes down to a single question…

And Carolyn’s perpetual reaction.

Carolyn is fine being in love! She just doesn’t want to get married, no matter what her stuffy old square of a mother says! And what’s wrong with that? It’s the summer of ’66! That Sexual Revolution thingy is going on. There’s birth control and free love and psychedelic drugs! Women are even wearing jeans…

Except in Collinsport. Women won’t even start wearing pants around here for close on a year from now.

So Carolyn’s aversion to marriage, again, isn’t an understandable reluctance in a 17-year-old girl of means and privilege, it’s considered silliness, immaturity.

When they said Dark Shadows was based off the Gothic novels of the 19^th century, they meant it.

Still, we must abide by the weird Puritanical rules of this television show.

Joe describes the surprise of Malloy, who we recall he saw only last night in Episode 3, abruptly giving him the promotion this morning.

Carolyn, quickly, proves less than an idiot than she thinks.

So, remember what we were saying about Liz’s crazy schemes?

Carolyn notes that Elizabeth spoke to Malloy this morning, as she does every morning, furthering a tidbit that lovable old pervert Wilbur Strake…

…Told Burke back in Episode 1: that Liz, despite her seclusion, still takes an active role in the family business, and frequently meets with Malloy to discuss said business.

Such as, apparently, finagling a promotion for her daughter’s boyfriend to hasten their marriage.

Now, poor Joe, as he told Burke before, and Carolyn earlier, is very proud of his work ethic and values being a self-made man. If you didn’t love him already, his visible affront at learning how he was used by his girlfriend’s mother should win you over…

If not, fine. More for me.

Liz insists it was Malloy’s idea to promote Joe and she merely approved. We never get any confirmation one way or another but given how fond Liz is of puppeteering Vicky and even her own brother, and how every conversation with Carolyn seems to turn inevitably to how badly she wants the kid to get married and leave this house, I think we’ve cracked the case.

Someone comes to the door and Carolyn wastes no time…

Oh thank God. Things were getting a bit too interesting back there. Vicky holds off from going immediately to confront Elizabeth, which only ticks Carolyn off.

Well, don’t be so disparaging…

So, really, this little outburst at Vicky is just Carolyn beating up on herself.

Which is understandable! She’s 17 and she’s never lived anywhere else. Dates and dancing are one thing, but marriage is a whole ‘nother enchilada.

But anyway…

So, Joe seems to accept Liz’s story about Malloy promoting him on merit, which is great for him. He’s really more deflated that Carolyn doesn’t want to get married! She says she loves him, after all, what more could there be?

Liz may or may not have suggested that Carolyn is seeing a ghost on the side. But, of course, ‘ghosts’ in the prosaic candor of Art Wallace, is a metaphorical term, mostly employed so far by Roger and Sam and once, notably, by Carolyn…to mean skeletons in a closet, regrets…basically, inner demons.

If Elizabeth has become a ghost by ‘imprisoning’ herself in Collinwood…could she fear her daughter is doomed to the same fate?

But Joe isn’t just going to wallow in self-pity. Just to remind us that he is a Nice Guy with Values, he tells Liz about the weird-ass man that came to him in a bar last night and offered him big cash for Collins kompromat.

Joe, of course, can’t say what, exactly, Burke wanted to know, because Burke himself wasn’t very clear on that. But Burke knew a lot about him, and Liz…and the new governess who Joe himself has not yet met but seems to know exists.

The mention of Vicky sets Liz off again…

So, again, Liz is totally freaked that Burke may have learned something, maybe about Victoria’s origins, but you and I both know that information belongs to an exclusive top secret class of things that don’t exist, so she’s freaking out for nothing.

But Liz and, at this point, the audience don’t know that. Burke might know something about Victoria. Roger certainly was afraid he’d try to use her. One begins to wonder if the stories of both Dark Shadows’s first leads would’ve worked out better if that had been the case, if there had been more linking them together from the start than broomsticks and unicorns.

But, no, Joe tells Liz that Burke only seems to know about the letter and so on…that is, nothing Victoria couldn’t have told him herself on their offscreen cab ride. But Liz isn’t satisfied, and storms off just as Carolyn returns, in surprisingly better spirits.

Joe proceeds to ask this series’s defining question:

They ain’t seen nothing yet.

In a moment of introspection, Carolyn admits to Joe her habit of pushing away people she cares about and it’s really heartfelt.

But who needs young love and conflict on a soap opera? It’s time to talk about phones and letters!

Liz confronts Vicky about her mission to contact Mrs. Hopewell, forcing us to endure the latest in the Recapping Vicky’s Quest to Find Out Things About her Quest quest.

So Vicky wasn’t sure if Liz’s story about Roger being recommended her by a person at the foundling home was true, so she went to the Collinsport Inn to call Mrs. Hopewell who said that Liz’s story about Roger being recommended her by a person at the foundling home wasn’t true and now Vicky knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that Liz’s story about Roger being recommended her by a person at the foundling home is a Lie.

Liz is perhaps understandably confused.

Ah, but what is labor without Meaning?

Liz’s new explanation?

Seriously, she totally could be President.

Vicky says she doesn’t want to leave, she just wants people to be honest with her, and if that doesn’t describe every adult relationship I’ve ever had, I don’t know what does.

Probing is more Roger’s thing.

Liz doubles down on the story about Roger being recommended Victoria by a person at the foundling home who Mrs. Hopewell doesn’t know about.

Vicky then has no choice but to admit that maybe this elusive Foundling Home Phantom Exists and the inquiry rests.

BUT LITTLE DO THEY KNOW…

Mrs. Hopewell is dictating a letter to Victoria, though it’s addressed to ‘Collinswood’ and might not ever get to her.

Still, Mrs. Hopewell wants Vicky to know that very soon after their telephone call, she was contacted by THIS MAN

So, apparently, Strake came to Hopewell posing as a ‘magazine writer’, which is arguably an even worse bullshit cover than the real estate thing. Apparently, he was so unconvincing that Hopewell figured him out and he admitted who he was.

Strake was very interested in why Victoria was hired by the Collinses, which lets us know that Burke is interested in those same things, but none of that really matters because Hopewell then begins rattling off questions like the announcer at the end of a matinee serial.

This is all fascinating and everything, but the one question I want answered is did Hopewell and Strake sleep together and, if so, was it a one-time thing, or is there something there?

Tune in next time: same kooky time, same kooky channel.

This Day in History- Wednesday, July 6, 1966

So, yeah, the Vietnam War was going on during all of this, though most of America was not yet aware just how bad it was. That counterculture stuff happened a little later.

The Hanoi March began on this day. 52 American POWs were made to walk through the streets of that city in retaliation for the ultimately ineffectual U.S. bombing raids that had occurred the week before. The prisoners were set upon by an angry mob of Northern Vietnamese. Some of the men in this march would spend the next eight years in captivity.

On the American offensive, the short-lived Operation Washington also began on this day. The reconnaissance mission would prove to hold more losses than gains for the U.S. troops, and would be pulled back a week later.

Look, it’s the late 60s. There isn’t always going to be happy news. Dark Shadows is the happy news.

This Person Was in That Thing!

While I might rag on Mrs. Hopewell’s exaggerated facial expressions, her portrayer, Elizabeth Wilson, has a more distinguished film and stageography than some Dark Shadows mainstays!

A trained stage actress, Wilson won a Tony award in 1972, a year after Shadows, and six years after her last appearance on it, for her role in Sticks and Bones, a black comedy about prejudice and social tumult in the wake of the Vietnam War.

Prior to that, Wilson played a supporting role in The Graduate, the crown jewel of New Hollywood.

Wilson also counted roles in Hitchcock’s The Birds and the early 90s Harrison Ford vehicle Regarding Henry among her filmography, which spanned until Hyde Park on Hudson in 2012, three years before her death at 94.

If you get anything out of this, let it be that you should never judge anybody by a bit role they played in a soap opera.