Drunken Donuts

You can always tell an episode of Dark Shadows is centering itself away from Collinwood because Victoria Winters suddenly begins to editorialize about the human experience.

Sidenote: the location footage of Mark Allen walking alongside that fence seems like it belongs at the end of a commercial for prostate medication.

So Roger Collins has broken into Sam’s house, which can’t have been hard because the door wasn’t locked, and now he’s decided to become his Sponsor.

Now’s as good a time as any to note the excellent continuity in early Dark Shadows. The constrained time-frame of the early episodes allows no room for error in where characters go and what they do. In Episode 5, Roger went to town for an unspecified reason. Also in Episode 5, Victoria encountered Sam on Widow’s Hill, telling her to tell Roger he’s looking for him.

Now, in Episode 7, both characters resurface and meet and, almost a week later, we’ll get to move past…

 It may not seem like much, but if you watch a contemporary 45 minute soap opera with 75 characters and storylines that go on for half a year at a sea-sponge’s pace, constantly reshaping things you saw happen on screen, you begin to appreciate storytellers that have an understanding of what’s been happening on their own program.

If you aren’t already sick of Sam Evans, here he is drinking a toast…

You see, every time you begin to think too much about all the horrible things Roger has or been implied to have done, you remember he has to deal with this guy on a somewhat regular basis, and you begin to feel bad.

In response to the 5 word question “Where were you last night?” Sam gives us…

When Roger points out that this happened…

And Sam wasn’t home, we get…

Roger can’t possibly be as bad as he seems, or else Sam Evans wouldn’t be alive.

Now, it’s been a whole two episode lull, but never fear…

Child, is there anybody who doesn’t?

We then get more restating of things we already know for the benefit of the characters who don’t. Sam tells Roger what he told Victoria about seeing Burke arrive at the Collinsport Inn. Roger is upset Sam didn’t immediately tell him, but Sam insists…

Roger’s supposed to be this big bad bastard, but he can’t even corral a walking monolith of mucus.

We learn, painstakingly, that Roger and Sam are tied up in whatever happened to Burke 10 years ago. Apparently, Sam was so affected by Burke’s return that he walked along the shore last night…

Soaps are known for their melodrama, and Dark Shadows certainly is no exception, but I believe I speak for all of us when I say this is the most disingenuous bullshit. For whatever reason, the same prosaic lilty speeches Art Wallace puts in the mouths of the other characters only manage to become insufferable when tumbling, like so many gin and tonics, through Sam Evans’s lips.

Roger isn’t sympathetic to any of this. When Sam suggests that Burke’s wealth means nothing in comparison to whatever pain they caused him, that money means nothing…

There. So we have a fairly good idea of the broad stroke of Roger and Sam’s connection and how it pertains to Burke. Roger paid Sam off for something that got Burke into trouble. Sam regrets it now. Roger doesn’t.

That’s about all we’re going to get for a very long time, so be content.

Roger restates that he fears Burke’s vengeance will end up hurting him…

Seriously, Sam is suddenly very cavalier about the idea of Burke’s vengeance. Roger doesn’t have to worry about Sam Evans growing a spine, no sir! He’ll do what he’s become: Nothing.

There’s also a music cue that plays prematurely here. Somehow, it’s not that that causes Allen to trip up his lines. I dunno, maybe that booze is real.

Anyway, here’s a guy sober as a priest.

Burke’s enjoying the paper and Maggie’s wig is enjoying siphoning the life force of its host.

Maggie is obviously trying to get Burke to look at her. Burke only looks at a woman when he believes she needs a good spank, and so distractedly places his order for donuts and coffee. Maggie guesses he wants his coffee black, which in the language of television means only one thing:

And it’s very important we all understand this. No misconceptions shall prosper.

It transpires that Maggie knows this because, again, Burke was once a frequent visitor at the Evans house, posing for Sam’s paintings.

Ever seen The Iron Giant?

But, really, just as Burke realizes who he’s talking to, his eyes travel some place considerably lower than her face.

I should also add that he does that while remarking “How you’ve grown”. Sure, that’s because she jokingly asked him to say it, but even so.

We learn that the portrait Sam was painting of Burke was put aside after the trial, which is the first furtherance of Burke’s criminal history since Roger called him an ‘ex-convict’ in Episode 3.

#owned

Maggie’s age is never expressly stated, but she’s meant to be 23, the oldest of the three female leads. 10 years ago, when Burke’s trial occurred, she was 13. Her father has been a slovenly alcoholic for most, if not all, of the intervening time. It’s practically confirmed he doesn’t do anything besides walk along the shore and weep, so it’s fair to say that she is the sole breadwinner, supporting herself and her useless drunk of a father.

And yet she’ll still give you service with a smile.

On the other end of the job market, Vicky Winters is still on her first day of being David Collins’s governess, has yet to do any actual governessing, and apparently nobody at Collinwood minds that she’s taking a morning drive into town to run some private errands.

I can’t ascertain whether or not that cash register is the real thing, but the drawer seems to almost fall out when Maggie goes to get Vicky some change for the payphone.

Maybe that’s just how registers used to open. I’m a filthy millennial, what do I know about these things?

More significant, Burke and Victoria recognize each other from last night. We don’t know what Burke is thinking (Do we really want to?), but we know Victoria had a sleepless night thanks to this guy, and not in a way he’d be fond of bragging about around the water cooler.

So is it any surprise she doesn’t want much to do with him?

Victoria goes to place her call, and Maggie indulges her role as town gossip (When you work on your feet pouring coffee from dawn to dusk, what else is there?) by informing Burke that Vicky works at Collinwood which, of course, he already knows.

Maggie says you couldn’t pay her 100 bucks to stay the night in that house.

Christ, what a dick. Anyway, now that a new and shiny femoid has entered the establishment, Burke forgets all about Maggie and stalks off.

What a class-act.

Back with the Evans we wish we could all forget existed…

Roger has just learned about Sam’s encounter with Victoria on Widow’s Hill.

Roger, apparently, had an agreement with Sam that he would never go up to the house. For that matter and, assuming that Widow’s Hill is legally part of Collinwood’s property, would that mean Sam was trespassing? Does it matter? Does any of this matter?

As seems to happen so often when people are talking about people who have talked to Burke Devlin, Sam must recap his discussion with Victoria. Roger demands further proof that Sam didn’t say anything about Burke to Vicky, so he decides to call Collinwood, I guess to ask her whether Sam mentioned Burke, because that won’t get her asking any questions at all.

Carolyn picks up the phone and, you bet it, Roger calls her ‘Kitten’ in front of Sam.

So this is a New Concern. Roger is convinced that Burke will use Victoria to, I dunno, get an ‘in’ at Collinwood or something, and he determines to find her before Burke can.

In more phone-related shenanigans, Victoria finds that the foundling home’s line is busy.

As if that’s not bad enough, guess who’s right outside the phone booth, ready to pounce?

It’s probably for the best that we’re spared seeing just what maneuvers Burke used to get Victoria to sit for coffee.

Victoria is noticeably uncomfortable and reminds Burke she still has a phone call to make. Either in an effort to relax her or intimidate her into submission, Burke proceeds to use a series of long, awkward pauses to conclude that, because they met on the train platform last night…

The Devlin then indulges a Freudian slip.

Burke then suggests that maybe Victoria has heard sinister things about him, at which point actor Mitch Ryan completely forgets his lines.

Burke then offers Victoria that donut for the second time in the conversation, presumably as a cry for help.

Well, that’s one word for it.

That’s sweet. He thinks she’s a strange man.

Burke is now required to talk about how odd it is that a pretty, virile young woman like Vicky left the big city for a Podunk town like this. Easy, right?

At a certain point, the camera just cuts to Vicky for the rest of the speech, so the struggle must have been very real.

I should take this point to say that absolutely none of this detracts from my enjoyment of the show and the character. Mitch Ryan is a THEATER actor, in the same stripe as Louis Edmonds (well, Louis has a certain flame to him Mitch lacks, but even so…) and Nancy Barrett. When he acts, he ACTS, and that same booming, grande demeanor is what makes his not infrequent blank spots so thrilling.

I mean, if you’re gonna be a hot mess on tape, at least have fun with it.

The most dangerous time having passed, Burke asks again why Victoria took this job. Victoria then does the Smart Thing.

Maggie comes by, presumably to help a sister out…

Which begs the question: what paper this guy was reading when we first saw him? Does Collinsport gets U.S News and World Report?

Burke asks about Roger and, if the name gives Vicky any trauma flashbacks, she does a good job hiding.

Burke says he and Roger used to be ‘good friends’, so if you had any doubts they were once romantically involved, consider them dashed.

Hey, guess who’s in the very next room?

Maggie comes by and wonders if Roger is still feverishly searching for her father, which he isn’t.

Imagine that that’s your life. You work this crummy job all day, and half the time you’re not sure whether your drunk idiot father won’t stumble off a cliff and into the sea while you’re scouring coffee percolators.

Roger asks after Victoria and learns that she’s in the next room. With Burke.

So this is it! The confrontation they’ve been teasing for six whole episodes! Roger and Burke, these old friends turned bitter enemies by some mysterious decade-old conflict! Get ready for drama, get ready for chaos, get ready for…

Look, we’re a soap opera. We can’t have any dramatic confrontations on a Tuesday.

A lot of questions have been raised in these first seven episodes of Dark Shadows and, I’ll be honest, not all of them will ever get a good, or even halfway decent answer.

But, never fear. One of your most piercing inquiries is about to be addressed:

The origin of Burke’s ‘paddling’ fixation.

So it turns out that Burke snuck into Collinwood as a child to look for ghosts, something he briefly alluded to when talking to Bill Malloy in Episode 3. He left out that he was caught and spanked, but I get why he would want to save that detail for the lady.

There’s an extra detail, not made explicitly canon, but included in Art Wallace’s series Bible (more info, as ever, on Dark Shadows From the Beginning, which exhaustively covers that document like no other place on the Internet, certainly not here), that the person who caught Burke was Mr. Stoddard, Liz’s then not-absent husband.

It’s unclear if we’re meant to get anything out of that, but there it is.

Ladies love a guy who’s been spanked and’ll spank them back.

Conversation turns back to the universal topic of ghosts and we are reminded that Victoria is The Skeptic and doesn’t believe Collinwood is haunted. We’re also not allowed to talk about the crying woman for a good long while yet, so store that away for now.

It’s unclear if Burke truly believes Collinwood is haunted, or if the ‘haunting’ he refers to is similar to Sam comparing Elizabeth to a ghost. The people of Collinwood are certainly haunted. The house? Who can say?

Anyway, here’s Maggie with that paper Burke asked for just to get her out of the way.

Why wouldn’t it be?

Maggie, dutifully, informs Vicky that Roger was just here looking for her before spontaneously pissing off.

Burke expresses disappointment that Roger took off. You see…

Real subtle, guy.

Vicky takes advantage of this to waste another nickel or dime or whatever piece of small change that still had value in 1966 in her continued quest to contact the foundling home. Maggie asks Burke that, if he continues to search for Roger, keep an eye out for her father too.

Here, we see a bit of sincerity from Burke.

Whatever animosity he has for Roger doesn’t seem to be present for Roger’s accomplice. Perhaps he doesn’t know whatever part Sam had in his ruination.

Again, not that we’ll get any more clues on that score for an astoundingly long time.

Meanwhile, on the Drunk Slob Variety Minute, Sam Evans is pouring himself a drink and talking to himself.

Like, what the hell even is this? Am I supposed to feel bad for him? Contempt? Am I supposed to think this is funny?

The phone rings.

And then he hangs up. I don’t know, it might have been his daughter, calling to make sure he wasn’t pissing himself. I guess he didn’t want to break her spirit.

The phone rings again and it is Maggie, the patron saint of unlimited patience!

She’d like to let him know Burke plans to visit.

So Sam totally loses his shit, but before he can make any more of an embarrassment of himself, here’s Burke, because even after Roger’s home invasion, Sam still can’t be bothered to lock his door.

Sam doesn’t even pretend he’s happy to see Burke and, honestly, can we blame him for being instantly wary of a guy who shakes hands like this?

Burke wonders at this chilly reception. Doesn’t Sam have anything to say to him after all this time?

God, can this guy just stop?

Burke proves very bad at pretending he isn’t talking to a gibbering drunk, though he does seem pleased to reunite with his old friend.

But it passes because, again: Tuesday.

So Sam gets rid of Burke and, if nothing else, remembers to lock his door.

Okay, so it’s time to wrap things up. Maggie and Vicky are chatting, but it’s just to kill some time until that call is returned.

So Victoria goes back to the phone both, reminds the operator about her call to the foundling home, and then puts five more nickels into the machine, all in real time.

And…roll credits.

Like I said. Tuesday.

This Day in History- Tuesday, July 5, 1966

The Beatles make a stop in India on the way back from their Far East tour. Hank Hill never listens to them again.

McDonald’s goes public on the New York Stock Exchange. By the time Dark Shadows ended in April ’71, a share in McDonald’s bought on this day would be worth 68.75 times more. One does wonder about the price of sardines…